I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their private messages and warm and positive energy on Wednesday!
I haven’t heard anything yet…I don’t know when I will hear. I think that the waiting is always the hardest part! That and making sure I don’t make a klutz of myself in the interview I wish I could tell you great news….but I think it went well.
Believe it or not, I sometimes have problems expressing myself in interview situations! I know…hard to believe I have a problem “expressing” myself. I never know exactly what to say. How do you turn around and explain to someone that you would do the job for free – without sounding like a crazy, over-eager and slightly off balance individual.
A friend reminded me of a book that I read years ago by Viktor Frankl called “Mans Search for Meaning.” He advocates a type of therapy called Logos Therapy/Existential Analysis. Like I said – it has been YEARS – so I had to research him again. LOEA is actually something I am really familiar with – but I didn’t know it. Funny how memory is. Essentially – I would explain it in the statement, “What if there are no coincidences?”
How do I look at my life and the trauma that I have experienced? What does it mean to me? If you have never read it – I would highly suggest it. It can be very deep and meaningful. I guess I look at it this way….
TRIGGERING!! PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION -
“Why do really bad things happen to good people?”
Isn’t that the question for the ages. Why was I targeted as a child? Why is one of my first memories the feel of a man’s organ in my hand, the dank smell of the bathroom, the cold linoleum floor? Why didn’t it stop? Why was I re-victimized on more than one occasion? Is there something wrong with me? Do I invite this?
If God exists…if He loves me…why did He allow this to happen? Why do small children, young women and men and others suffer this evil? No there is a question I would love the answer to! However, I have an answer…believe it or not…
What if there is something that I am supposed to do? What if I am supposed to be a part of the “change” that we need to see happen? I know that God loves me – I know His mercy…how do I know? Because I am still here! Because Brigid is part of my life, because I have my husband and my children. Because Jay and Myst and Butterfly and many others have lifted me up and strengthened me! Because people who would never have even considered talking about their trauma have found love, acceptance and support. That is how I know.
My personal belief is that this “life” is temporary. That we are here to learn things and to help others and to love – and when this life is over – there is Heaven where there are no tears and every pain is wiped away. Despite everything, I can still love others – I can still give.
I live with my disease (PTSI) – but I don’t live in my trauma. Sure, there are bad days – but they have meaning. My life has meaning. The world would be a darker place if I didn’t exist. The world would be a darker place if my friends and readers didn’t exist. YOU are full of meaning, full of value, full of light!
Brigid often says that she would not change a thing – that her life experiences – as horrible as they are…made her who she is. I agree. My experiences have made me who I am.
Just when I wonder if it means anything – someone, completely without their knowledge, brings light to my life. I have had a couple of experiences this week where a chance conversation has lifted the spirits of both of us. I won’t talk much about it because it is really private.
I have to look at this from a Christian perspective, because that is what I am – but Jesus came into this world only to suffer and die. Through His suffering and pain, He saved the whole world. I like to quote the Jewish proverb, “He who saves one life saves the whole world.”
What if I look at my trauma as a “gift?” What if I get to help just one person? Many of you know that Jay encouraged me to start this blog…Jay helped me because this blog has been a lifesaver! I have been told by a couple of people that this blog encouraged them to start their own blog. I got to help someone. Those who are also blogging have gotten to help someone. One become two, two become four, four becomes eight……and the world changes.
I am grateful. Grateful for my life, for love, for support, for friends that I will probably never meet this side of Heaven. I choose. I choose joy, I choose love, I choose peace! I am in control. I will trust and believe in myself. I will share love and joy and peace. I will make the choice to bring light to darkness. I will join with those who have made a choice to walk in light and we will, together, light the darkness for those who need help.
Regardless of what happens with the job…that work will not end.
Morning Glow – Pippin
Why won’t my hands stop shaking
When all the earth is still
When ancient ghosts are waking
So many steps need taking
So many plans need making
I think I will
I think I will
Morning glow, morning glow
Starts to glimmer when you know
Winds of change are set to blow
And sweep this whole land through
Morning glow is long past due
Morning glow fill the earth
Come and shine for all you’re worth
We’ll be present at the birth
Of old faith looking new
Morning glow is long past due
Oh, morning glow, I’d like to help you grow
We should have started long ago
So, morning glow all day long
While we sing tomorrow’s song
Never knew we could be so strong
But now it’s very clear
Morning glow is almost here
Morning glow by your light
We can make the new day bright
And the phantoms of the night
Will fade into the past
Morning glow is here
With all of the news going on – I can’t help but believe that THIS is our TIME! If you have never heard the song “Morning Glow” I would encourage you to look it up on You Tube. I love the William Katt version!! I think it might be true – I think we are about to see the Sunrise! A new day! Believe in the morning!!!