Bullies

Hello, Friends,

I have had bullies on my mind the last couple of days.  Anytime bullying makes the news, it makes me think, and remember.  I mentioned in my last post that I was the target of bullies as a child.  I won’t go into a lot of details, because they are still painful for me.  I know that this blog is about MST – but what is Military Sexual Trauma if not an extreme form of bullying.

I think that one of the things that I truly loved about the Army was that there was a connection and friendships formed quickly.  I was different – but in the Army – I was the same as all of the other girls.  We shared a similar mission.  As you know, I went from the Guard to the Active Duty.  I was always the “weirdo” in school, but in Basic Training, I was the funny girl that people enjoyed spending time with.  There was acceptance.

My first few days on Active Duty were frightening.  I was 19 years old and I didn’t know anyone.  Everyone always seemed to be in a group and I wasn’t sure how to make friends.  I still struggled socially.  I hadn’t been there more than a few days and we were waiting in line for something…just like we always did.  These two very beautiful girls were talking about a party that was coming up.  I still remember their names, Pam and Maria.  Suddenly, out of the blue, they turned to me and said, “Hey, Joan…got any plans on Friday?”

These two pretty, popular, cool girls were asking me what I was doing Friday…why?  I couldn’t believe they were asking me this question – did they forget I was new here?  I simply responded that I really didn’t have any plans.  “You should come with us!  We are going to this great club.”  I couldn’t believe it was that simple.  In high school I would have been reminded that I didn’t have any friends because no one liked me.  Any questions about my plans were always the opening joke to the punchline so I was pretty excited. 

As it turned out, their boyfriends had a friend, so this would be a blind date…so to speak.  Actually, it was more of a handful of unattached girls being introduced to a handful of unattached guys.  We had a great time!  I made a lot of friends and these girls were more than willing to invite me into their little group.  The men I met that night weren’t about “hooking up,” their goal was to meet friends and maybe find someone to date. 

That night I discovered the simple joys of true acceptance.  They didn’t expect me to be anyone other than who I was.  They asked nothing of me except friendship and I expected nothing but the same.  The Army was the first opportunity that I had to be liked for who I was. 

Maybe that is part of why I took the first assaults so hard.  It not only destroyed who I was – it ruined who I was becoming.  The new open and happy me was being attacked.  The bullies had found me again.

I guess I really mean this to be an open letter to all of those who are bullied.  I want to encourage you – it does get better.  There are times it also gets worse.  However, there have been too many suicides lately.  Too many beautiful young lives cut short.  It is a little like smashing the egg just as the chick is being born.  Don’t smash your own egg! 

I am now in a place where I have a lot of friends – good friends.  People that I trust.  People that I enjoy just the way they are and they do the same for me.  It is okay for me to be different, it is okay that they are different, it is okay that you are different.  It’s old school – but there is something to be said for “I’m okay and Your okay!”

We recently had an event that brought some of our VSO members together.  It was a good time standing in the kitchen working our butts off to get the work done.  Three of the guys were picking on me – but it wasn’t cruel – it was funny.  I was giving as good as I got!  It was good.  It felt like being home again.

We were at my parents house for Thanksgiving and my father has my basic training picture up in his office.  One of my sons called me to come here.  I looked at the little girl in that picture.  My son said, “You know mom, you look a lot like Denise Richards in Starship Troopers.”  I laughed at him!  I was an ugly little child – that is what everyone said and that is what I believed. 

I looked at that little girl and suddenly it occured to me:  “You know – he’s right…I do look a little like her.”  Thanks, son!

Peace,

Joan

Ohio School Shooting

Hello, Friends.

I haven’t had much to say lately.  Life is very busy and has been a little rough.  However, Monday’s news out of Ohio leads me back to the computer.

On Monday, a young man reported to be TJ Lane, walked into his local high school and shot several people.  Two young men are dead and TJ’s life is over.  I have to wonder how many of those children will carry the terror with them for the rest of their lives.  Reports are still mixed – but many people are reporting that TJ was a victim of bullying.  It seems to me that he probably had specific targets – it’s not really like he was shooting randomly.  There were Twitter and Facebook posts that showed that this kid was looking for someone to do something to make him stop. 

I was the victim of bullying as a child.  In fact, I was bullied daily in my school, and it wasn’t always just verbal.  Sticks and stones might break bones – but words can never hurt me.  That’s bullshit!  Words – they hurt and they become a part of our psyche in a way that creates a lifetime of problems.  I struggle with negative self talk – those hateful little voices in my head that remind me that I am ugly, stupid, annoying and not worth loving.  My husband says that I shouldn’t judge myself so harshly – but I can’t stop those voices some days.

There has been a lot of research about how to stop school shootings – and teenage suicide – since most all of them are related to bullying.  There was an article on a website today that said, “Someone should have called authorities about those Facebook and Twitter posts.”

I’m sorry – but by the time someone is making an outcry on a social website – we are way past the point of “calling an authority.”  The only people who seem to be learning anything from these school shootings are the kids who are being bullied.  They are learning how to take things into their own hands – and they are throwing away precious young lives…theirs and their victims.

I was watching a news report about this and someone said, “being bullied is part of growing up.”  Why?  Why is being treated like shit part of growing up?

Liz Trotta, Fox News, reported that women who serve in the military should expect to be raped.  Why?  Why is being raped part of military service.

I can see the links between these two statements.  Rape is always about power and control; bullying is always about power and control.  It is about subjugating and humiliting another human being. 

Frankly, what the terrorists did on 9/11 was about subjugation and creating fear…and this nation has given everything to make sure that never happens again!  Why…Why do we treat these other issues like they are “part of life.”  Imagine if our Nation’s leadership had stood up on 9/12 and said, “We live in a dangerous world and we should just expect to have our citizens murdered.”

Since lots of other people are giving their opinions on how to stop school shootings – I figured that I would give mine.  Mine comes from experience…not just my own, but I have watched my children face down their bullies as well.

First – children are stupid and they cannot see the consequences of their actions.  I promise you that not a single “high school bully” is looking at this news thinking – “Wow…I better change my ways and be nicer to people.”  Not happening. 

I have taught my children to be kind to everyone, not necessary to be everyone’s friend, but they do have to be kind.  This doesn’t prevent them from being bullied – it just means that the minimum standard of their behavior is to be kind.

My daughter has been bullied, alot.  I used to think that the beautiful girls didn’t get bullied – but she has shown me just how wrong that is.  I have taught her to be kind to everyone, but don’t be a door mat.  Stand up for yourself.  Luckily, she has two older brothers, who have also been taught to protect their sister.  Don’t start anything – but be prepared to finish something.  When she was in second grade she had a third grade boy who wouldn’t leave her alone.  Yes, I know he had a crush on her, but he was also becoming physically violent with her.  He would push her down, pull her hair and try to touch her inappropriately.  The school was called over and over and over again.  There was no result.  Finally, I had enough.  My daughter was given specific instructions to wait with the yard monitor for her brothers to get off the bus at her school and they would take her home.  Her brothers were given specific instructions to beat that kids ass if he started anything.  Don’t kill him – just scare him.  (Her brothers were in 4th and 6th grade.)  Then, I told the Principal the “new” plan for my daughters protection.  The Principal apparently informed the other parents and her tormentor – he never got near her again.

The one thing that I have noticed about school administrators and teachers is that they really don’t know what to do with a child who is being tormented.  If I had a nickle for everytime someone said to me, “You bring it on yourself,” I could have gone to Harvard or Yale.  Yes, it was my fault that I was different.  It was my fault that I preferred baseballs to Barbies.  It was my fault that I was reading Edgar Allen Poe and Shakespeare when the other kids were reading Judy Bloome novels and comic books.  It was my fault that I was fascinated with science and biology.  It was my fault that I loved to learn and study and play football and catch worms.  It was my fault that when my female classmates were buying bras I was still buying baseball cards (I love that gum!)

It was my fault that I joined the Army.  It was my fault that I was a woman.  It was my fault that I was good at my job.  It was my fault that I was a threat to a man’s ego.  It was my fault I got hired for a job he wanted.

WHEN IN THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO STOP BLAMING THE VICTIMS!

There are all of these programs in schools about character and about tolerance.  The thousands of dollars we are spending on these programs is not helping.  The programs are useless.  If they were working we wouldn’t be talking about another school shooting – about another teenage suicide.  All of this transcends into adulthood, for both the perpetrators and the victims. 

Administrators and Teachers – stop and look.  Don’t blame the victims.  It is okay in this world for someone to be different.  I had a very special teacher who taught me to write.  She gave me little story starters when I was done with my work (mostly so I wouldn’t disturb others – I have always been a social person.)  That was over 30 years ago…and I still like to write.  She would take 10 minutes out of her day to make little notes in the margain – and to tell me I was special.  I was blessed, I had a lot of teachers who were kind to me, and they made school bearable.  I also had a handful of administrators who considered me a problem.  Never the other kids…just me…because I was different.

I am different.  I have learned to be more accepting – although I still have times where those ugly voices in my head remind me everytime I say something stupid.  I still like baseball.  I still like medicine.  I like Poe and Shakespeare.  I like to write.  I still love those few teachers that took a moment out of their day – they are in my prayers.

The difference between a shooter and a survivor?  Hope.  Hope that tomorrow will be better.  Hope that out there in this nasty world is someone who will love us for who we are. 

Hope for peace – both in our world and in our heads. 

Peace,

Joan

Joan of Arc….The Movie

Hi, friends.

I spent the last two nights watching my Christmas present from Brigid.  She bought me the film Joan of Arc starring LeeLee Sobieski.  It was released in 1999 – I believe it was originally made for TV.

It was very, very good!  I would put it high on my rental list if you want a really good movie that will make you cry.  I couldn’t help but scream – “Run, Joan, Run!”  Of course, she didn’t listen and the end of the story is that she is burned at the stake as a heretic.

For those who have never heard the story of St. Joan – it is a whole lot like many of our stories, as survivors.  A very young Joan believes that she is being called by God to lead the French to a victory over the English and to reunite her country under one French King (King Charles for those who are keeping track.)  The Church declares that her voices and her cause are real and the King allows her to lead the Army.  They defeat the British and take back a large portion of France and Charles is crowned King.  The people of France believe that Joan may be the foretold Maid of Lorraine and follow her willingly.  Of course, once the King is crowned he no longer needs this girl who challenges him to continue to unite his kingdom and be a good king…

He can’t just send her away – but he makes sure that she ends up in the hands of the British – who are more than happy to have a dishonest Bishop put on a Kangaroo Court and try her as a Heretic.  In the end she is burned at the stake as a “witch.”

She is tried for wearing men’s clothing and denying her sex – but she was being held in a prison guarded only by men.  When she wears a dress the men try to rape her.  It is only by returning to men’s clothing and lacing her britches to her tunic that she can fend them off.

There are many questions about Joan even today.  The trial transcripts and eyewitness testimony were rediscovered and it is one of the most widely documented cases of the Dark Ages.  Some people say that she was an Auditory Schizophrenic and that the voices and vision she had could not be real.  (Joan was lead by St. Michael, St. Catherine and St. Margaret.)  580 years have gone by and people are still calling her crazy. 

It was very, very hard for me to watch the end.  Knowing that they would destroy her for their own political purposes.  They couldn’t just send her away – no, they had to shame and discredit her.  It all seems so very familiar, doesn’t it.

It is no wonder that I chose this remarkable young girl as my Patron Saint and that I use that name to post on this blog.  She had a vision and a calling.  Not for herself but for the people of her Country.  She did everything that she could to be true to that vision.  Even though she had many successes, she became a “problem” for the men in power.  They gave her to the enemy, discredited her, ruined her reputation and smeared her name.  Finally, they burned her at the stake as a “bitch”….I mean “witch.” 

Oops – Sorry.   Joan was gotten rid of for being a “witch”…I was gotten rid of for being a “bitch.”

I think that one of the most painful things about rape and betrayal in the military is that we volunteered to be there.  It’s not like we, as women, were drafted.  Despite our reasons for entering the military, I know that most of the women I have known, are there because we believe.  We believe in our Country and in living and dying to defend freedom.  I know that is why I joined…and I know that is why Brigid joined.  It was our duty and our honor to give back.  Our dear Father’s had both served in the military.  (My Father’s tour was much easier than Brigid’s Father’s tour.)  They both knew what we were facing (not the rape…but as women in the military) and they are both very proud of their little girls.

We had a mission, we did our best, we had lots of successes….and then we became a problem.  We didn’t disappear when they wanted us to – we didn’t “service” them as required.  We were betrayed…declared to be bitches and driven out.

There are days when we ask…”Why Me?”  I guess Joan of Arc must have had the same questions.  St. Joan of Arc is the Patron Saint of Women Soldiers and of Rape Victims.  Hmmmm – makes you wonder if this isn’t just another “miracle.”  I’m sure that this wouldn’t mean much to her in the grand scheme of things and all of the people who admire her – but I can’t help but believe, just a little bit, that maybe her suffering is a gift from God to all of us.  That we can look back in time and see this young woman who held on to her beliefs…no matter what.  Maybe she is there to remind me that they may have taken a large part of who I am…who I was…but they can’t take my beliefs and they can’t take my honor and they can’t take my values.

They say that Joan’s heart survived burning at the stake – not only did it not burn – it still had fresh blood in it.  Maybe that is what I need to remember today.  They took everything…but her heart.  That she kept.  So long as we keep heart…there is hope. 

Blessings and Peace,

Joan

Macadamia Farm

Greetings from the Macadamia Farm.

Tomorrow begins the official start of the Holiday Season!  It also begins some of the craziest times for many of us.  I heard this reference made in a Television show one day…”Macadamia Farm” which was a kind euphamism for “Nut House!”  That sort of describes the holidays for me…I just can’t wait until they are over.  Quite frankly, it sort of describes every day for me!!

However, Thanksgiving wouldn’t mean anything without stopping to comment on all of the thinks I am Thankful for!    So here it goes!

I’m thankful for my husband – who has lived with me in my Macadamia Farm and put up with the good days and the bad days…even though he has no clue whatsoever.  Sorry, baby…but it is true.  Regardless, you are right there with me and I love ya!

I’m thankful for the bestestestest friend in the entire world…Brigid – who is my “roommate” in the Macadamia Farm.  At least we get to be crazy together.  I love ya!

I’m thankful that God chose to spare the life of Brigid’s beautfiul Grandaughter and the amazing light she has put in our lives.  (The birth was very rough…but all is well!)  I’m also thankful that Brigid’s daughter became a mother that day – a real mother – that loves her children.

I am thankful for my own teenagers – who are working very hard at putting me on the Macadamia Farm!  I know that this phase will pass.

I am thankful for the “angels” in our lives that show up unexpected and provide a little help along the way.

I am thankful that my job allows me to advocate for survivors of Military Sexual Trauma, even if I can’t always be upfront and honest about being a survivor myself, I can sink my teeth into problems and fight for what is right.  There are days it leaves me a wreak..but at least I can try.

I’m thankful for all of you who take a few minutes out of your day to read what we have written and to stand with us.  You allow us the opportunity to share with the world what we have survived and the work that must continue. 

May the love of God, joy, peace and happiness be a part of your Holiday season and throughout the coming year.

Blessings from the Macadamia Farm!

Joan

The Abyss

Hello Friends!

I love words…I always have.  To me, they are tangible, they have a texture and they have a feel.  I also love the way that one word can have two meanings.  As you know, we have recently jumped into the world of Facebook.  Unlike this blog, Facebook requires you to be “you.”  You aren’t supposed to have a fake identity.  I finally figured out a way to use an Avatar on Facebook – not to be malicious – but to be anonymous.  The majority of my real Facebook friends have no idea about my history of Military Sexual Trauma and I really don’t want them to.

The internet to me is a lot like an Abyss.  It is a deep and immeasurable place with no beginning and no end.  You can send your messages out but there is no guarentee that anyone will hear them.  When I first started this blog it was for me, and for Brigid, to do something we both enjoy…writing.  It was a form of therapy for me to say everything I ever wanted to say but without any of the consequences for my words.  I’m not a mean person and I don’t generally say nasty things to people…but what I am good at is failing to filter!  I just don’t do it very well!  In the rare instance when I voice my opinion in public on these matters it is usually met with a stony or uncomfortable silence.  Why can’t people just speak openly and honestly about this subject?  Even in my workplace there is often a “cactus in my shorts” type of response to things we should be talking about.  I don’t think it is intentional by any stretch of the imagination.  However, sometimes people’s “deer in the headlights” look and their abrupt silence compounds the shame that I already feel.

Some of my confusion and shame has given way to a deep need to be an Advocate.  If you read back in the blog you will see that I did a special training for my employer on Military Sexual Trauma and providing really good Sensitive Practice.  Thanks to the kindness of some friends I was able to include the voices of survivors and our nightmare experiences in healthcare.  I was able to bring suggestions and needs directly to the people who need to hear it the most – because they are the ones that can implement this.  The training was a success!  In fact, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I will be giving the same training again.  I’m totally pumped!

Abyss is one of those words that has two meanings, as I mentioned earlier.  Besides being an immeasurable place it is also used to describe something that is unfathomable.  Something that is difficult to wrap your head around.  Many of us who are MST survivors have lived in an Abyss.  We have been surrounded by the Abyss and it has lived inside of us.  There has been more than once when everything inside of me felt like a dark and empty hole with no light.

One day, I found a blog written by Jay.  He is linked on our page.  I made contact with him and he planted a seed.  He encouraged me to let the words that I love so much roll off of my fingers.  What he primarily did was to shine a flashlight into the Abyss.  That little light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

That is why I am pushing this farther into the Abyss.  I still like my privacy…but I want to hold a flashlight for someone else.  Those of us who have survived and have begun to heal have a story to tell.  More than a story – we have a legacy – and it is up to us to lead others out of the Abyss. 

Blessings and Peace,

Joan

Now on Facebook

Hello, Friends,

I am happy to say that we are now on Facebook!  There have been many times that I have wanted to share a link or some interesting information on Facebook with you all.  However, being stuck with an actual name that I don’t want to share – I finally took the leap of creating an avatar and a page in the Facebook universe.

Check us out…just type in enemyinthewire to get to our page.  Please take a moment to friend me or send me good stuff that you find.  My facebook name is Jheannie d’Arc.  (It is the French spelling of Joan of Arc.)

Things are going along here.  I am dealing with a lot of crap and so is Brigid.  We are still waiting for her claim to be adjudicated.  It has been well over a year now.  Her comp and pen was in April!  She has recently emailed a Congressman and I am very proud of her for that.  As hard as I have tried to advocate on her behalf – no matter how many power of attorneys we turn in – their are plenty of people who will not talk to me about any of it! 

Anyway…make sure you check us out!

Peace and Blessings,

Joan

Happy Veteran’s Day

Hello, Friends.

I wanted to take a moment to thank you for serving in the military and for serving this Country.  I know that this is not how we all expected things to end when we signed those enlistment papers.  Unlike most “disabled Veterans” we are unable to go out tomorrow and talk about our experiences.  No one wants to hear about it…unlike exciting tales of battle in far away lands…no one wants to hear about the “combat” we endured trying to protect our own bodies and minds.  Nobody wants to hear about how our enemies were inside the wire.

Regardless – we are still Veterans!  To that end I want to thank you for your service.  I want you to take one moment tomorrow…just one moment for yourself and be proud of your service. 

Take that moment for yourself.  You have earned it.  You are all in my thoughts and my prayers.

Blessings,

Joan

Misogyny as Usual

Misogyny – Hated, dislike or mistrust of women.

I don’t normally get policitcal here – because this isn’t about politics.  However, I find myself compelled to comment on the current situation in the Herman Cain camp.  I won’t go into a long explanation of what is going on, there are plenty of places for folks to read news.  What I want to talk about is they way some media outlets and the Cain camp is reacting to it.

To summarize, it has broken this week that while Herman Cain was the CEO for the National Restaurant Association, two women filed harrassment suits and both received “settlements.”

Mr. Cain and the media are the only ones talking about this.  Even my favorite news source, Fox, has jumped on the band wagon.  Mr. Cain first says he didn’t remember anything about it, then he said they received “small” settlements but he didn’t do anything wrong, now he is accusing both the Perry and Romney Camps of playing dirty politics.  Over and over he (or his staff) uses words like baseless, unfounded, no wrong doing and dirty politics. 

So, why are the media and Cain the only ones talking?  Because the two women involved are trapped under GAG orders.  Yup, for anyone who doesn’t know what that is…it means that if they talk about it…EVER…they are in violation of the order.  That means they (Herman Cain or the Restaurant Association) can sue them for violation of the order.  These women are stuck, unable to tell their side, and he (Cain) gets to say anything he wants.

Hey, maybe he didn’t do anything.  Maybe these women were just out for money.  However, any one of us who has ever been through a sexual harrassment investigation will tell you, it is a lousy way to make money.  The latest from Politico is the one woman received 45,000 and another 35,000.  Hmmmm…that doesn’t sound like baseless to me?  That sounds like a firm plea of “no-contest” and if we give you a nice little chunk you probably won’t take us to court and win a really big chunk while dragging our names through the mud.

Regardless of what happened…I am disgusted by the blatant Misogyny that I am hearing out there!  What ever happened to hearing both sides of the story?  Why bother when we all know that those scheming, cheating, dirty, lying little women can just make up stories and get money!!  Hmmmm – Misgyny – the hatred, dislike or mistrust of women.

Wow!  Talk about a text book definition in play.

To the Women who made the accusations:  Stay strong, sisters!  If everything is as it seems to be – the truth will come out in time.  I got your back and you are in my prayers.

To the Media – if this were a court of law…both sides would get to speak and information would be entered into evidence.  Before you talk about baseless accusations it would be best if you had all of the information.  Had this been a criminal offense, the settlement would have indicated a plea of “no-contest.”  That has to count for a reason to stop and wait for all the information!!

To Mr. Cain – if you did this, just be honest!  I’m so tired of politics as usual!!!!  Let’s face it, you (or the organization) essentially pleaded “no contest” to these women’s accusations and no amount of shuffling and side stepping is going to change that.  Personally, I hope their evidence is overwhelming, and that you actually have to eat your words.

Yup – it is “woman hating” as usual out there folks.  I look forward to the day that someone puts an end to it.

Joan

Anniversary

Hello, Friends,

Another year has come and gone again.  Halloween represents the Anniversary of my last day in a military uniform.  It is funny how one of your favorite days of the year can suddenly become the saddest.

To quote Forrest Gump…”And that is all I have to say about that.”

Joan

Still Alive

Hey, Friends.

Great news…Brigid and I are still alive!  I know that is hard to believe since you haven’t heard from either of us for a while.

As most of you know, Brigid was incredibly ill back in Jan and Feb and she is still struggling with the after effects of blood clots in her lungs.  I have been crazy busy with two teenagers who are driving me quickly insane.  My 16 year old has spent his summer in a drug/alcohol rehab facility and my 14 year old got herself wrapped up with some of his friends.  My son will be released this week – and so far – my daughter seems to be doing better.

That is all I have been able to think about.  I know that I can’t blame myself for their choices, but I can’t help but feel that their mistakes are my fault.  You want your kids to have a better life than you do…you did…but there are some things that you just can’t change…as much as I would like to.  Some of those things I don’t feel okay talking about here – even though it is anonmymous.

Brigid is STILL waiting on VBA to rate her claim.  It seems like the more Washington D. C. says…”We are speeding things up!” The more they slooowwww doowwwn.  Her comp and pen was in April.  Hell, I guess if it impacted their lives they would speed up – but since we Veterans are just some random people who are sucking on the system – it doesn’t matter much anyway.

I feel the words of an old Army buddy coming back to me – “It don’t mean nothing.”  I know – I just keep reminding myself.  None of it really means anything.  It doesn’t change anything.  You can’t wrap yourself in a VA rating or in a compensation payment when you can’t sleep.  It doesn’t change the fact that people look at you and say – “Why do you have a disability rating?” 

Anyway, we are still alive.  We will get back to the blog very soon.  In fact, I need to start writing again regular – but life has gotten in the way.  One nice thing about being so busy…you don’t have any time to think.

Besides – it don’t mean nothing, anyway.

Peace,

Joan