Interview Follow Up

Hello, Friends!

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their private messages and warm and positive energy on Wednesday!

I haven’t heard anything yet…I don’t know when I will hear.  I think that the waiting is always the hardest part!  That and making sure I don’t make a klutz of myself in the interview   I wish I could tell you great news….but I think it went well.

Believe it or not, I sometimes have problems expressing myself in interview situations!  I know…hard to believe I have a problem “expressing” myself.  I never know exactly what to say.  How do you turn around and explain to someone that you would do the job for free – without sounding like a crazy, over-eager and slightly off balance individual.

A friend reminded me of a book that I read years ago by Viktor Frankl called “Mans Search for Meaning.”  He advocates a type of therapy called Logos Therapy/Existential Analysis.  Like I said – it has been YEARS – so I had to research him again.   LOEA is actually something I am really familiar with – but I didn’t know it.  Funny how memory is.  Essentially – I would explain it in the statement, “What if there are no coincidences?”

How do I look at my life and the trauma that I have experienced?  What does it mean to me?  If you have never read it – I would highly suggest it.  It can be very deep and meaningful.  I guess I look at it this way….

TRIGGERING!!  PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION -

“Why do really bad things happen to good people?” 

Isn’t that the question for the ages.  Why was I targeted as a child?  Why is one of my first memories the feel of a man’s organ in my hand, the dank smell of the bathroom, the cold linoleum floor?  Why didn’t it stop?  Why was I re-victimized on more than one occasion?  Is there something wrong with me?  Do I invite this?

If God exists…if He loves me…why did He allow this to happen?  Why do small children, young women and men and others suffer this evil?  No there is a question I would love the answer to!  However, I have an answer…believe it or not…

What if there is something that I am supposed to do?  What if I am supposed to be a part of the “change” that we need to see happen?  I know that God loves me – I know His mercy…how do I know?  Because I am still here!  Because Brigid is part of my life, because I have my husband and my children.  Because Jay and Myst and Butterfly and many others have lifted me up and strengthened me!  Because people who would never have even considered talking about their trauma have found love, acceptance and support.  That is how I know.

My personal belief is that this “life” is temporary.  That we are here to learn things and to help others and to love – and when this life is over – there is Heaven where there are no tears and every pain is wiped away.  Despite everything, I can still love others – I can still give. 

I live with my disease (PTSI) – but I don’t live in my trauma.  Sure, there are bad days – but they have meaning.  My life has meaning.  The world would be a darker place if I didn’t exist.  The world would be a darker place if my friends and readers didn’t exist.  YOU are full of meaning, full of value, full of light!

Brigid often says that she would not change a thing – that her life experiences – as horrible as they are…made her who she is.  I agree.  My experiences have made me who I am.

Just when I wonder if it means anything – someone, completely without their knowledge, brings light to my life.  I have had a couple of experiences this week where a chance conversation has lifted the spirits of both of us.  I won’t talk much about it because it is really private. 

I have to look at this from a Christian perspective, because that is what I am – but Jesus came into this world only to suffer and die.  Through His suffering and pain, He saved the whole world.  I like to quote the Jewish proverb, “He who saves one life saves the whole world.” 

What if I look at my trauma as a “gift?”  What if I get to help just one person?  Many of you know that Jay encouraged me to start this blog…Jay helped me because this blog has been a lifesaver!  I have been told by a couple of people that this blog encouraged them to start their own blog.  I got to help someone.  Those who are also blogging have gotten to help someone.  One become two, two become four, four becomes eight……and the world changes.

I am grateful.  Grateful for my life, for love, for support, for friends that I will probably never meet this side of Heaven.  I choose.  I choose joy, I choose love, I choose peace!  I am in control.  I will trust and believe in myself.  I will share love and joy and peace.  I will make the choice to bring light to darkness.  I will join with those who have made a choice to walk in light and we will, together, light the darkness for those who need help.

Regardless of what happens with the job…that work will not end.

Morning Glow – Pippin

Why won’t my hands stop shaking
When all the earth is still
When ancient ghosts are waking
So many steps need taking
So many plans need making
I think I will
I think I will

Morning glow, morning glow
Starts to glimmer when you know
Winds of change are set to blow
And sweep this whole land through
Morning glow is long past due

Morning glow fill the earth
Come and shine for all you’re worth
We’ll be present at the birth
Of old faith looking new
Morning glow is long past due

Oh, morning glow, I’d like to help you grow
We should have started long ago

So, morning glow all day long
While we sing tomorrow’s song
Never knew we could be so strong
But now it’s very clear

Morning glow is almost here
Morning glow by your light
We can make the new day bright
And the phantoms of the night
Will fade into the past
Morning glow is here
At last!

With all of the news going on – I can’t help but believe that THIS is our TIME!  If you have never heard the song “Morning Glow” I would encourage you to look it up on You Tube.  I love the William Katt version!!  I think it might be true – I think we are about to see the Sunrise!  A new day!  Believe in the morning!!!

Joan

 

Fixing Rape in the Military

Yes, Friends….here we go again!  This is a second case involving a Sexual Assault Preventation and Response unit NCO.  Apparently, he is accused of running a little prostitution ring and with having sexually assaulted a Private First Class. 

Can you hear us now!!!???  How many more do you have to see – how many more accusations? 

Everyone keeps talking about “how do we fix this?”  Well, I am going to share my thoughts on the “fix.”  No, it will not be easy – but nothing good is easy!  This year shows 26,000 new “club members.”  Leaving it alone is NOT an option!

1.  Replace “military” SAPRO with “prior-service” civilian contractors.  Prior service allows them to understand the military system.  Civilian contracting takes them out of the military’s sphere of control.  SAPRO should answer only to the Secretary of Defense. 

2.  All Civilian contractors working for SAPRO must be certified in peer support or social work.  They must have an understanding of trauma and recovery, as well as, training in the criminal justice system.  They also need medical training and they must be trained in rape crisis intervention!

3.  ALL physical examinations done after an assault MUST be done by a civilian facility if possible.  IF this cannot be done a SAPRO representative MUST be present and take possession of the rape kit.  NO rape kit should EVER be placed in military hands!

4.  Commanders and 1st Sergeants who fail to contact a  SAPRO representative IMMEDIATELY in a sexual assault or a reported rape will be removed from their post pending an investigation.  This goes for ALL leadership.  If the Commander reports it and the Battalion Commander doesn’t follow through – then the Battalion Commander is held responsible and removed.  If it is the Squad Leader – that goes for them, too.  ZERO TOLERANCE mean ZERO TOLERANCE!  If my career comes down to “him/her or me” believe me…I am reporting “him/her.”  (remembering that rape can be committed by either gender)

5.  All military sexual trauma cases should be turned over to civilian authority.  Both the accuser and the accused should have an attorney – civilian – and both should have a military attorney to act as an advisor. 

6.  Oops – I almost forgot about the Special Victims Units.  Also – Civilian contractors with prior military experience who are trained to work with assault victims.  They need to be contacted before the SAPRO rep.  They take over with the victim…the MP’s can deal with the accused.  This allows for a “second look” and both groups to work together.  If the accused is innocent – then that will be proven.  However, false reporting of “rape” is very rare.  Especially knowing that it will currently end the career of the victim!

Let the law be the law – the police be the police and the judges be the judge – don’t allow Commanders or NCO’s to affect what is happening.  Remove BOTH parties from the unit. 

7.  Return to segregated Basic Training.  I know that sounds weird – but it removes the male/female interaction that distracts from the initial training.  I have spoken with several females that went through co-ed basic and they were “pushed aside” to train the “real soldiers.”  I was trained in an all female company – although we did have male cadre and drill sergeants.  The females had a real opportunity to bond and to be trained.  We received the same training and we learned how to do things in a way that could overcome our physical differences from the men.  I was very lucky – our male drill sergeants were truly the best of the best!  Using this system means that you are integrating “soldiers” into AIT – not a bunch of high school kids!

It all seems so “hard” but it really doesn’t have to be!  Yes – things are going to be harder in a combat zone…the war makes life very different.  But there are people who seem to say, “This is what happens when you put men and women together.”  That is just bull!  I work with men all day long.  I spend more time with the men I work with than I do with my own husband…we all do.  However, no one is running around here raping their co-workers!  I work with both an MD and an RN who have “authority” over me and who are men – and both of them are complete professionals.  I am never afraid to be alone in a room with one of them and none of them are pushing me against desks and trying to grope me!  They don’t make sexually inappropriate statements, they don’t have porn hanging in their offices, they don’t behave in disgusting ways. 

Why is it that we don’t need to segregate the civilian workforce by gender to prevent rape?

I will tell you why – most of us are “professionals.”  Not everyone is…of course…but, by in large,  we treat one another with respect.  If an accusation is made – there are people to handle it – and they do handle it.  My boss can’t go to the police or to the “judge” and overturn an accusation, they can’t stop the process and they can’t fire me if I make a complaint.  They don’t want to pay the consequences of a lawsuit.  However, the military doesn’t seem to mind because there are no “consequences.”

It is long past time to do something to stop this!  Yes, it will be painful.  Yes, it will be a powerful change for the military.  NO – it will not reduce military readiness!  If anything, it will improve readiness because we won’t have to worry about rape in the ranks!  It will help the military recruit and retain good people.

The military is supposed to be a “professional organization” – let’s start acting like it!

Joan

Motorcycle Therapy

Hello, Friends.

They say that Bikers don’t need Therapists – well…I wouldn’t necessarily agree with “they” but I did have a nice ride last night!

It struck me how much riding a motorcycle is like learning to live with PTSI, MDD, Anxiety Disorders…..  So, I thought I would share it with you.  Please excuse me if this sounds a little weird; all of this came out last night listening to the engine and listening to the wind.

I haven’t been riding very long – at least not legally   Now I am legal!  I sold my last bike, a little Honda 250 Rebel, to help pay off some bills.  I wasn’t getting much seat time, anyway.  My husband is a bit of a nervous nellie when it comes to his wife on her own bike.  So – I thought I would describe my progression.

I started out on the back of his bike.  I knew that he had my best interest at heart – but I have control issues so it is very hard to trust someone else to be in control.  Even though I know he loves me…I was just waiting for him to get me killed.

I got my Rebel and really tried to learn to be comfortable on my own.  I failed the motorcycle license driving test – mostly because the lady messed me over!  Then I decided to sell the bike.  I was upset, discouraged and just plain tired of trying so hard and not really getting anywhere.  I felt that my husband was holding me back.

In January, I just decided that I was going to get my own bike again.  I bought her – so there was no turning back – and I decided to take the basic rider course.  I passed!  Got my license!  I set out on my own.

Scary stuff – riding by yourself, stupid people on cell phones getting in your way!  I wanted to put on a big sign that said – I’m learning!  Stay the hell out of my way!!  I tried some crazy stuff – like the interstate with a 40 mph side wind…that was nuts of me!!  But, I did it.

I had a rough day yesterday and I went for a ride.  Oh my gosh…best ride yet!  I was just relaxed and felt totally at one with my “Marilyn.”  She and I were out in some pretty heavy wind, pretty heavy traffic, but everything just felt right.  I forgot to be scared and just rode.  I have begun to trust myself on a motorcycle and the process just clicks.

I realized that this is so much like living with and recovering from mental illness.  Not that PTSI is curable – but it will be something that we can learn to live with.  First, we have to have someone we can trust to stand by us…until we are ready to step out on our own a little.  Then, we start small.  We may fail, we may “give it up” for a while, but we have to keep trying.  Next, we may realize we need “professional help” – the motorcycle instructor showed me so many things I have never learned, just like my therapist did.  Finally, we dive into our lives and we give it a try.  Still knowing we have support behind us – but we take the wheel.

Taking the wheel can be risky, we have good days and bad days – sometimes we just need to park it!  So to speak   Then, it starts to click and we learn the most important lesson of all…

We learn to trust ourselves.  Living with trauma I find that I have a tendency to blame myself.  I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t try hard enough, I didn’t say or do the right thing.  Those voices that tell us that we are wrong have a bad habit of showing up.  We weren’t the “wrong” ones…they are!  We are awesome!!

Yup – I am learning to trust myself…at least on the bike – now I just have to learn it in real life.  Maybe if I spend enough time in “motorcycle therapy” it will help – even if it doesn’t…I am sure loving my baby!

Joan

F’n Wook

Thanks to the hard work of Representative Jackie Speier, the military has once again been outed for demonstrating it’s penance for mysogyny.  This time it was a facebook page called “F’n Wook.” 

Looking through the Urban Dictionary it took me a while to find the appropriate definition….but apparently a “wook” is a term for a sexually indiscriminate girl…a combination of the words “wasted hooker.”  It is more popular around college campuses than in the military – but somone decided it was an appropriate way to describe women in the Marines.

This is the culture folks.  This is what we are talking about!  Last year, SGT Gary Stein was discharged from the USMC for refusing to take down the Facebook page – Armed Forces Tea Party.  It was against the “good order and discipline” of the USMC.  The Marine Corp states that they knew about the page – had been watching it for 3 years – but they didn’t have a problem with it.  Apparently, hatred and violence of women is NOT against the good order and discipline of the United States Marine Corp.

I display a couple of these images in this blog to show exactly what this culture is like.  To display the “culture”  that exists in the military. 

1.  The only way a woman can get promoted is through sexual favors.

2.  Rape is not only tolerated…it is encouraged.

3.  Physical violence against women is acceptable.

These photos are the least disturbing I have found!  Some of the truly horrible ones display women in bondage and in rape situations.  It is truly quite disgusting.

Even worse are some of the internet comments.  People said they are unhappy it was taken down – that it was all in good fun.

Okay Mr. “All in Good Fun”…what if this was your sister?  What if it was your daughter?

This has to change.

Joan

Woman Veteran sexually harassed while going for rape counseling at the VA

Reblogged from My Duty to Speak:

Hello. I posted this several places. I hope that somebody at the VA can read this and do something about it. I am a 25 year old woman veteran suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that resulted from being raped while serving in the U.S Army. Every single time that I go for rape counseling at the Phoenix VA Medical Center I get sexually harassed by other patients.

Read more… 377 more words

This is from My Duty to Speak. It is an excellent blog that I follow! The reason I am sharing this is because I think I can help these women - or any woman in this situation. As you all know, I work at a VA Hospital. I don't have any real power - but I have access to some really good people who do! NNot only do they have some power - they have access to people at the National level that REALLY have the power! Please, if you are going through all of this - please send me your story to: enemyinthewire@hotmail.com. DO NOT send me information like your full name, date of birth or the last four of your ssn. Just sign it with your first name and make sure I can reply to your email. I will do everything I can to make the right people aware of what is happening, of the sexual harrassment you are experiencing.

Small Steps

Hello, Friends.

I had the opportunity to do something last night that I have often wanted to do…but I could never bring myself to do it. I bought a complete stranger in a Marine Corp Dress Blues his dinner.

I know this sounds a little weird on the surface, why on earth would anyone consider THAT a personal triumph? However, I think my fellow survivors would understand my issue. Every time I see someone in a “uniform” my first thought is…Is he one of THEM? Is he a rapist?

As you all know, I work in a VA Hospital, and I know deep down that some of the people I take care of are perpetrators. There is no way they can’t be! If there were 26,000 rapes in the military last year…someone had to do the raping. I’m not talking about their behavior – because I have only had one or two issues in 6 1/2 years. The majority of my patients are some of the best people in the world. However, statistically speaking, some of these people are victims and some of them are perpetrators.

I have a special place in my heart for Marines. My daddy is a Marine and one of the few men I actually trust is also a Marine. That isn’t to shine a positive light on all Marines – because we know that isn’t true – but I was Army…so I guess that is where my head goes. He was just a young thing, couldn’t have been more than 12 years old…wearing SGT Stripes. The recruiting office was two doors down so I assume he was grabbing a quick bite to eat. I’m sure he was older than 12 – but I really wanted to ask him if his Mother knew where he was Call it a mother’s heart – because I have two boys old enough to wear a uniform (and I hope they never will!)

I debated all through my dinner – then I finally just decided…I will buy his dinner…anonymously! I will believe he is a good kid and I will just think about my daddy! I left a note for him, when the server returned his money that said, “Semper Fi Marine! Thank you! Dinner tonight is on the US Army.” I did see him receive his money back and I saw him read the note and smile. It felt good.

We tried to make it out the door and we didn’t. He caught us. He thanked my husband…who didn’t know anything about it…then apologized profusely when I told him I had done it…that I am a Veteran. He was a nice kid.

Later in the evening I called my daddy and told him what I had done – that I had bought a Marine his dinner. My daddy laughed and said, “That is funny, a couple of weeks ago I had a table of Reservists buy my dinner. They saw my Marine Corp jacket and paid my bill.”

I guess what comes around goes around. I would love to thank those men who bought my daddy his dinner! He is so proud of being a Veteran – so proud of his little girl being a Veteran.

I guess that the morale of this story is that I am learning to tell myself that not everyone in uniform is a rapist. I should already know that – because I served with thousands of men that never did anything to hurt me. Over 16 years – I think that is a pretty safe number – but only a handful were violent.

So I am trying to reestablish faith in the “male uniformed species”

Peace,

Joan

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!

So – the head of the United States Air Force Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Organization just got busted for…SEXUAL BATTERY!

Maybe, he should have waited until HE WAS SOBER…cause it sure looks like his “victim” kicked his ass!

Maybe people will start listening. This is a culture of rape and abuse – in the military – and it isn’t a problem because the only one’s who mind are the victims! The people doing it don’t seem to mind, their commanders don’t seem to mind…EVEN THE HEAD OF AF SAPRO PARTICIPATES! It is like some kind of new “group sport.”

I’m angry…I am even angrier about the new numbers from Dept of Defense. In 2012, 26000 people joined the MST Club.

My town has a population of roughly 8,000 people. So…every person in town would have to be raped 3+ times to make that many. That means that 71 people a day in the United States Military are being victimized… 3 rapes…every hour…24 hrs. a day.

What in the hell is wrong with this world!!

When will someone listen and STOP THIS! JUST FUCKING MAKE IT STOP!

Praying for my brother and sister victims.

Joan

The Interview

Hello, Friends,

I am stopping in to ask a huge favor! I am in need of your prayers, positive thoughts and happy energy! After years of being “stuck” in my current job…I have an opportunity for a big interview…BIG – I mean really B…I…G!

For the last year I have been exploring the Peer Support certification and receiving formal training for a lot of the work I already do with my VSO and here at EitW. Many of you know that this blog began as a way to digest my own therapy…make sense of my own trauma and as a place to spew into the WWW everything I am feeling or thinking.

As time has gone on…and as more people have taken to reading this blog – we have reached out to others as a kind of a “support group.” We are not alone. Our experiences are different – but we have a choice…we can live or we can die. I don’t necessarily mean a physical form of death…but that happens, too….but a psychological death where the bastards win. I have chosen to live.

In just a few days I will be interviewing for a job, at my same employer, that will allow me to continue doing what I love doing…helping others to find their way out of the darkness. I would be doing Peer Support on a full-time paid basis! My tail is wagging! My tongue is hanging out drooling!!!! There are no words to describe how bad I want this job! I want this job so bad I am prepared to fall down on my knees and beg!

I am good at helping people – that is what I have been told. I love to encourage people and to lift them up. I was a “bullied child.” Constantly, every day – someone would bully me. I was pushed, punched, slapped – I was sexually violated. That hurt – but what really hurt were the words. “You are stupid, worthless, a nerd, a dog a squirrel. You aren’t good enough. You aren’t smart enough. You are a failure. You bring it on yourself – ya know…you squirrel. You’re fugly, ugly, four-eyed freak.” Even writing them sends a chill down my back…I can hear them – those taunts still ring in my ears. Sometimes…it still affects me. When I feel isolated from a group, or different – I can feel the little girl in me curl up and try to hide in the corner.

I had a few close friends. Not many. I had a couple of great teachers I really liked – they liked me too! We spent time together. One of them got me through Chemistry class with a C…since I can’t do math that was a huge accomplishment!

I like to make people feel good with words. All of the people that I have met through this blog have been such an inspiration to me! They push the envelope, they reach out, they open their hearts. They have encouraged me to do the same. I was at a VSO event this weekend and this woman walked up to me and said, “you are Joan…right? I hear you help veterans – can you help me?” Of course – of course I can help. I will do anything to help.

This feels like my shot, my chance – the one thing that will make everything okay. I recently turned down a “dream job” with my church. The money was good enough…but I called my priest and said…”Father, I’m sorry. The job is perfect for me…but something is wrong! I don’t think I am supposed to leave the VA.” He laughed…and then he agreed with me. He thinks I would be perfect for the job – but he is concerned that it would require me leaving the VA – he thinks God has a purpose for me right where I am.

We both had the same concerns. We both had the same worries. You know I always say…there is no such thing as a coincidence!

Three weeks later I get an interview for a job that would allow me to do nothing but encourage and lift up my brothers and sisters who are living with mental illness. A chance to offer support to their families..I know what it is like to be a mother of a mentally ill son who has a drug problem. I know what it is like to be a homeless Veteran with three young children. To live in a domestic violence shelter. To fight with the system for benefits, for help, for support. I know what it means for just one person to believe in you. Just one.

It isn’t about money, or paychecks or benefits. That isn’t why I work at the VA. I’m not saying the VA is perfect – I can tell you a long list of bad experiences, horrible flaws, ugly days. It doesn’t even have to be the VA – I can tell you about horrible people and experiences in private medicine! Expensive medicine with bitchy, mouthy, hateful people working there.

I’m far from perfect – but I try to give every patient one thing…a smile and a kind word. That may be the only thing I have to offer in a day. Maybe something to laugh about. A moment of respect, a moment of understanding or just a squeeze to their hand to let them know that I care. Every place that serves customers is built on one thing and one thing only – the people that work there. You can have the most beautiful facilities, the best equipment and state of the art systems – but if the people spend their days sucking on sour pickles…it doesn’t mean anything. People will forget what you did and what you say – but they will never, ever forget how you make them feel.

I have had some really terrific success stories drawing blood. I know, clerking and drawing blood doesn’t sound like much – but it is where the rubber meets the road. A link in the chain for how people “feel” about the time they spend here. I told one gentleman, who served in Vietnam, that I felt that he was a “hero.” Three months later he came back with a beautiful letter for me. It said that no one had ever called him that, no one had ever thanked him for his service like that. He was driving one day and it just hit him and he bawled so hard he had to pull off the road. We stood in the clinic hall crying our eyes out. I have that letter and I will never, ever part with it.

Let’s face it – the one thing that all of us have in common, as MST Survivors, is the way the perpetrators made us feel. The way the military made us feel – like we are worthless, nothing, that we are the crazy ones! They all made us feel like we were dirt…rags…something to be used and kicked aside. Then – they told us we were crazy, we were nuts! I was diagnosed by a civilian shrink as a “borderline personality disorder with Cluster B traits.” Talk about nuts. Cluster B traits essentially mean that you are a “drama queen” and that everything revolves around you. Like I was paranoid and accusing others of things that didn’t happen.

You know what is funny – “borderline personality disorder with Cluster B traits” has many of the EXACT SAME SYMPTOMS of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Paranoia…check, worried that people are going to hurt you…check. It is partially defined as: extreme “black and white” thinking, instability in relationships, self-image, identity and behavior often leading to self-harm and impulsivity.

In other words – he was saying…”you know, you are bringing a lot of this on yourself.”

What did the VA therapist, psychiatrist and comp and pen people say about it…because I asked my therapist outright!!! She said – no, Joan…you are not borderline personality disorder with cluster B…you are a classic PTSD. Although it took me a really long time to describe myself as having PTSD.

That was quite the moment – I must say. The moment when I realized that it isn’t my fault. That I didn’t “ask for it” or “bring it on myself.” The moment that I realized that I was “normal” – as normal as anyone else that survived this shit. They were the screwed up ones. I’m okay – they are pieces of shit!

Wow – I hope the staff interviewing me doesn’t see this Might be the end of the job interview !!

Actually – I’m not afraid of them seeing any of what I have ever written. I care. I care about the Vets I serve. I care about making things in the world right. I may not be able to do much…but I can make it right for the few people I see in a day. Please keep me in your warm thoughts!

Peace,
Joan

A World Without Her

It has been two years. Two years since a co-worker, a friend, a fellow veteran took her own life. I don’t think she realized how much this world would suck without her.

I can’t say we were “best buddies” or hung out together or anything like that. It was more of just a “knowing.” You don’t turn around in the office and talk about rape…you just don’t…but you know who the survivors are. You can see it.

I can say that the days she stopped by my office were happy days…happy times. The day she stopped by to say she had been “let go” was a very bad day. It brought back all sorts of horrible memories, feelings about my employer, feelings about the people in the head office. “Someone had it out for me.” That is what she said.

She was funny, she was smart, she was dedicated to fellow Veterans. I often wished I could be more like her. She was so strong! Nothing seemed to get to her – she seemed to have it all under control. She left something behind in my office…a “project” and everytime I look at it…I remember her. She was like a bulldog…once she sank her teeth into solving the problem…she didn’t let go until the job was done.

I miss you – my friend. I wish I had known..I wish you had turned to me..I wish you had turned to anyone. The world is a richer place because you were here – and it is darker now that you are gone.

Please, Please – If you are considering suicide…please…don’t do it. Call someone! Anyone! Don’t take your light from the world!! You never know who will mourn you for the rest of their lives – like I will mourn her.

Peace be with you,

Joan

Conundrum

Hello, Friends –

What a crazy and confusing time it has been. I have found myself puzzled, perplexed and completely lacking sure direction.

First of all – I received word from the National Guard – who was asked by the Governor’s office to review my records. I have copied the letter below – which is addressed directly to the Governor – they couldn’t even bother writing one to me. Please know that names have been omitted or changed to protect the innocent and the stupid!

Dear Governor X:

This letter is in response to your email message on behalf of Joan. Joan was formerly a member of the XXXXX of the XXXX Army National Guard.

Joan alleges that a hostile work environment and discrimination occurred in the XXXX during the years XXXX through XXXX. Contained in the several pages of documentation she provided to my Staff Judge Advocate, she states that the XXX Army National Guard failed to address her issues; and as a result, she voluntarily resigned from the Active Guard and reserve Program.

Joan requests that the XXXX Army National Guard learn from its past mistakes, the mistreatment she received, and change her status to indicate she is retired. I can state with assurance that the XXX National Guard has a much lower tolerance for the kind of workplace discrimnation and harassment alleged by her. The Amry’s Sexual Harassment and Assault Response Program (SHARP) promtes an environment free from harassment of any kind as a means of providing all Soliders a workplace in with they may excel. It is beyond the ability of the XXX Army National Guard to affect Joan’s status. However, she may seek relief through the Army Board for Correction of Military Records. The Legal Assistance Attorney in the Office of Staff Judge Advocate can assist her in the regard.

I appreciate the opportunity to look into this matter…blah blah blah.

Respectfully
A complete ignorant Major General – who should have probably waited until HE was sober before writing this letter!!

This letter was received at my house on 04/03/2013. I sent the original information to the National Guard at the request of the Governor’s office – that was sent to them on November, 5th of 2012. If it had not been for my repeated phone calls – I would have gotten no response at all.

I supplied the JAG with copies of a counseling statement, written by MY supervisor, stating that I am working in a hostile environment. (Thanks – Ready Man – it has come in very handy I also supplied them with a copy of the EEO Claim that I filed that was signed by my supervisor, delivered to the commander and never signed or forwarded beyond his desk drawer. However, I am thrilled to learn that I must be totally friggin nuts because – “I can state with assurance that the XXX National Guard has a much lower tolerance for the kind of workplace discrimnation and harassment alleged by her.”

See – that makes me feel so much better that his “assurance” is worth more than solid, documented fact! I continue the fight!! I now have a call back into the Governor’s office, to the staffer listed, who has not yet received or seen a copy of the letter. HMMMMMM interesting! Next step will be to go through one of the larger action groups and go to my media contacts – after I see what the Governor’s office decides to do. I also have some state political contacts that I can use. However, gotta go one step at a time.

In addition to this craziness I interviewed for a new job. I was completely honest and told the truth – which I don’t believe the individual in charge appreciated very much. I just have this thing that I no longer want to maintain silence. Silence breeds shame. I did nothing wrong!

I’m tired of people forgetting to love one another. Let’s just put aside all of the bullshit and start loving one another, respecting one another. We don’t all have to agree on everything – but we can be civil human beings and still disagree. I’m tired of who is right and who is wrong and what is ‘legal’ and what isn’t.

Because of the nature of the job, old parts of my life are an issue. The individual at the top wanted “plausible deniability.” What the hell is that?! So in order to be of “service” I have to be a liar? Don’t they know that it is “silence” that has got us where we are today!! Don’t talk about the bad things, don’t tell anyone what happened, don’t rat anybody out, don’t ruin HIS career. Keep it silent. I am not blaming this individual and he was not mean – he is really a nice person – I understand that I have left him in a conundrum too. I just no longer want to live a lie because it might make someone “uncomfortable.”

It hit me very hard this morning through – the idea of silence. I stood in the shower crying. I think part of why it has hit me so hard is because this is the second anniversary of a friend’s suicide. So to that end I would like to share the following:

Elle G – Newsboys

Thumbs out on a desert road I am told
Leads to nowhere
Any shade is as good as the next
If your shadow doesn’t go there
Week seven, did you really assume
I’d find some solace from the letter in your room?
Next life, could you kindly refrain
From throwing yourself at the mercy of a train?

Silence all, nobody breathe.
How in the world could you just leave?
You promised you would
Silence that evil with good

Hear me out, I have the floor
I’ll give you my tears, I’ll listen more
You promised you would
Overcome evil with good

Maybe this world is a barren place for a soul
Prone to get lost
But heaven still hounds from the smallest sounds
To the cries of the storm-tossed
Week nine: I am writing in the sand
Any little clue that could help me understand
Every whispered secret, every muffled sigh
Every half-truth that was added to a lie

Silence all, nobody move
I’ve got to know now what you hoped to prove
You promised you would
Silence that evil with good

Shame feeds guilt, guilt needs release
You took it to god
You made your peace
And swore that you would
Overcome evil with good

Every old demon playing back the crime
If they needed blood, I’d have gladly given mine
A child of the kingdom; still an invalid
Forgive her, please father
She don’t know what she did

Silence all, now go to sleep
The water’s free, the well is deep
How can we return
That which we never could earn?

God, I long to see her face
We haven’t a hope
Beyond your grace
I know that you will
Overcome evil
For good

Read more at http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/81235/#68xfO0gb28y7yyMB.99

I miss ya, Wen.

Joan