Joan of Arc….The Movie

Hi, friends.

I spent the last two nights watching my Christmas present from Brigid.  She bought me the film Joan of Arc starring LeeLee Sobieski.  It was released in 1999 – I believe it was originally made for TV.

It was very, very good!  I would put it high on my rental list if you want a really good movie that will make you cry.  I couldn’t help but scream – “Run, Joan, Run!”  Of course, she didn’t listen and the end of the story is that she is burned at the stake as a heretic.

For those who have never heard the story of St. Joan – it is a whole lot like many of our stories, as survivors.  A very young Joan believes that she is being called by God to lead the French to a victory over the English and to reunite her country under one French King (King Charles for those who are keeping track.)  The Church declares that her voices and her cause are real and the King allows her to lead the Army.  They defeat the British and take back a large portion of France and Charles is crowned King.  The people of France believe that Joan may be the foretold Maid of Lorraine and follow her willingly.  Of course, once the King is crowned he no longer needs this girl who challenges him to continue to unite his kingdom and be a good king…

He can’t just send her away – but he makes sure that she ends up in the hands of the British – who are more than happy to have a dishonest Bishop put on a Kangaroo Court and try her as a Heretic.  In the end she is burned at the stake as a “witch.”

She is tried for wearing men’s clothing and denying her sex – but she was being held in a prison guarded only by men.  When she wears a dress the men try to rape her.  It is only by returning to men’s clothing and lacing her britches to her tunic that she can fend them off.

There are many questions about Joan even today.  The trial transcripts and eyewitness testimony were rediscovered and it is one of the most widely documented cases of the Dark Ages.  Some people say that she was an Auditory Schizophrenic and that the voices and vision she had could not be real.  (Joan was lead by St. Michael, St. Catherine and St. Margaret.)  580 years have gone by and people are still calling her crazy. 

It was very, very hard for me to watch the end.  Knowing that they would destroy her for their own political purposes.  They couldn’t just send her away – no, they had to shame and discredit her.  It all seems so very familiar, doesn’t it.

It is no wonder that I chose this remarkable young girl as my Patron Saint and that I use that name to post on this blog.  She had a vision and a calling.  Not for herself but for the people of her Country.  She did everything that she could to be true to that vision.  Even though she had many successes, she became a “problem” for the men in power.  They gave her to the enemy, discredited her, ruined her reputation and smeared her name.  Finally, they burned her at the stake as a “bitch”….I mean “witch.” 

Oops – Sorry.   Joan was gotten rid of for being a “witch”…I was gotten rid of for being a “bitch.”

I think that one of the most painful things about rape and betrayal in the military is that we volunteered to be there.  It’s not like we, as women, were drafted.  Despite our reasons for entering the military, I know that most of the women I have known, are there because we believe.  We believe in our Country and in living and dying to defend freedom.  I know that is why I joined…and I know that is why Brigid joined.  It was our duty and our honor to give back.  Our dear Father’s had both served in the military.  (My Father’s tour was much easier than Brigid’s Father’s tour.)  They both knew what we were facing (not the rape…but as women in the military) and they are both very proud of their little girls.

We had a mission, we did our best, we had lots of successes….and then we became a problem.  We didn’t disappear when they wanted us to – we didn’t “service” them as required.  We were betrayed…declared to be bitches and driven out.

There are days when we ask…”Why Me?”  I guess Joan of Arc must have had the same questions.  St. Joan of Arc is the Patron Saint of Women Soldiers and of Rape Victims.  Hmmmm – makes you wonder if this isn’t just another “miracle.”  I’m sure that this wouldn’t mean much to her in the grand scheme of things and all of the people who admire her – but I can’t help but believe, just a little bit, that maybe her suffering is a gift from God to all of us.  That we can look back in time and see this young woman who held on to her beliefs…no matter what.  Maybe she is there to remind me that they may have taken a large part of who I am…who I was…but they can’t take my beliefs and they can’t take my honor and they can’t take my values.

They say that Joan’s heart survived burning at the stake – not only did it not burn – it still had fresh blood in it.  Maybe that is what I need to remember today.  They took everything…but her heart.  That she kept.  So long as we keep heart…there is hope. 

Blessings and Peace,

Joan

Macadamia Farm

Greetings from the Macadamia Farm.

Tomorrow begins the official start of the Holiday Season!  It also begins some of the craziest times for many of us.  I heard this reference made in a Television show one day…”Macadamia Farm” which was a kind euphamism for “Nut House!”  That sort of describes the holidays for me…I just can’t wait until they are over.  Quite frankly, it sort of describes every day for me!!

However, Thanksgiving wouldn’t mean anything without stopping to comment on all of the thinks I am Thankful for!    So here it goes!

I’m thankful for my husband – who has lived with me in my Macadamia Farm and put up with the good days and the bad days…even though he has no clue whatsoever.  Sorry, baby…but it is true.  Regardless, you are right there with me and I love ya!

I’m thankful for the bestestestest friend in the entire world…Brigid – who is my “roommate” in the Macadamia Farm.  At least we get to be crazy together.  I love ya!

I’m thankful that God chose to spare the life of Brigid’s beautfiul Grandaughter and the amazing light she has put in our lives.  (The birth was very rough…but all is well!)  I’m also thankful that Brigid’s daughter became a mother that day – a real mother – that loves her children.

I am thankful for my own teenagers – who are working very hard at putting me on the Macadamia Farm!  I know that this phase will pass.

I am thankful for the “angels” in our lives that show up unexpected and provide a little help along the way.

I am thankful that my job allows me to advocate for survivors of Military Sexual Trauma, even if I can’t always be upfront and honest about being a survivor myself, I can sink my teeth into problems and fight for what is right.  There are days it leaves me a wreak..but at least I can try.

I’m thankful for all of you who take a few minutes out of your day to read what we have written and to stand with us.  You allow us the opportunity to share with the world what we have survived and the work that must continue. 

May the love of God, joy, peace and happiness be a part of your Holiday season and throughout the coming year.

Blessings from the Macadamia Farm!

Joan

The Abyss

Hello Friends!

I love words…I always have.  To me, they are tangible, they have a texture and they have a feel.  I also love the way that one word can have two meanings.  As you know, we have recently jumped into the world of Facebook.  Unlike this blog, Facebook requires you to be “you.”  You aren’t supposed to have a fake identity.  I finally figured out a way to use an Avatar on Facebook – not to be malicious – but to be anonymous.  The majority of my real Facebook friends have no idea about my history of Military Sexual Trauma and I really don’t want them to.

The internet to me is a lot like an Abyss.  It is a deep and immeasurable place with no beginning and no end.  You can send your messages out but there is no guarentee that anyone will hear them.  When I first started this blog it was for me, and for Brigid, to do something we both enjoy…writing.  It was a form of therapy for me to say everything I ever wanted to say but without any of the consequences for my words.  I’m not a mean person and I don’t generally say nasty things to people…but what I am good at is failing to filter!  I just don’t do it very well!  In the rare instance when I voice my opinion in public on these matters it is usually met with a stony or uncomfortable silence.  Why can’t people just speak openly and honestly about this subject?  Even in my workplace there is often a “cactus in my shorts” type of response to things we should be talking about.  I don’t think it is intentional by any stretch of the imagination.  However, sometimes people’s “deer in the headlights” look and their abrupt silence compounds the shame that I already feel.

Some of my confusion and shame has given way to a deep need to be an Advocate.  If you read back in the blog you will see that I did a special training for my employer on Military Sexual Trauma and providing really good Sensitive Practice.  Thanks to the kindness of some friends I was able to include the voices of survivors and our nightmare experiences in healthcare.  I was able to bring suggestions and needs directly to the people who need to hear it the most – because they are the ones that can implement this.  The training was a success!  In fact, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I will be giving the same training again.  I’m totally pumped!

Abyss is one of those words that has two meanings, as I mentioned earlier.  Besides being an immeasurable place it is also used to describe something that is unfathomable.  Something that is difficult to wrap your head around.  Many of us who are MST survivors have lived in an Abyss.  We have been surrounded by the Abyss and it has lived inside of us.  There has been more than once when everything inside of me felt like a dark and empty hole with no light.

One day, I found a blog written by Jay.  He is linked on our page.  I made contact with him and he planted a seed.  He encouraged me to let the words that I love so much roll off of my fingers.  What he primarily did was to shine a flashlight into the Abyss.  That little light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

That is why I am pushing this farther into the Abyss.  I still like my privacy…but I want to hold a flashlight for someone else.  Those of us who have survived and have begun to heal have a story to tell.  More than a story – we have a legacy – and it is up to us to lead others out of the Abyss. 

Blessings and Peace,

Joan

Now on Facebook

Hello, Friends,

I am happy to say that we are now on Facebook!  There have been many times that I have wanted to share a link or some interesting information on Facebook with you all.  However, being stuck with an actual name that I don’t want to share – I finally took the leap of creating an avatar and a page in the Facebook universe.

Check us out…just type in enemyinthewire to get to our page.  Please take a moment to friend me or send me good stuff that you find.  My facebook name is Jheannie d’Arc.  (It is the French spelling of Joan of Arc.)

Things are going along here.  I am dealing with a lot of crap and so is Brigid.  We are still waiting for her claim to be adjudicated.  It has been well over a year now.  Her comp and pen was in April!  She has recently emailed a Congressman and I am very proud of her for that.  As hard as I have tried to advocate on her behalf – no matter how many power of attorneys we turn in – their are plenty of people who will not talk to me about any of it! 

Anyway…make sure you check us out!

Peace and Blessings,

Joan

Happy Veteran’s Day

Hello, Friends.

I wanted to take a moment to thank you for serving in the military and for serving this Country.  I know that this is not how we all expected things to end when we signed those enlistment papers.  Unlike most “disabled Veterans” we are unable to go out tomorrow and talk about our experiences.  No one wants to hear about it…unlike exciting tales of battle in far away lands…no one wants to hear about the “combat” we endured trying to protect our own bodies and minds.  Nobody wants to hear about how our enemies were inside the wire.

Regardless – we are still Veterans!  To that end I want to thank you for your service.  I want you to take one moment tomorrow…just one moment for yourself and be proud of your service. 

Take that moment for yourself.  You have earned it.  You are all in my thoughts and my prayers.

Blessings,

Joan

Misogyny as Usual

Misogyny – Hated, dislike or mistrust of women.

I don’t normally get policitcal here – because this isn’t about politics.  However, I find myself compelled to comment on the current situation in the Herman Cain camp.  I won’t go into a long explanation of what is going on, there are plenty of places for folks to read news.  What I want to talk about is they way some media outlets and the Cain camp is reacting to it.

To summarize, it has broken this week that while Herman Cain was the CEO for the National Restaurant Association, two women filed harrassment suits and both received “settlements.”

Mr. Cain and the media are the only ones talking about this.  Even my favorite news source, Fox, has jumped on the band wagon.  Mr. Cain first says he didn’t remember anything about it, then he said they received “small” settlements but he didn’t do anything wrong, now he is accusing both the Perry and Romney Camps of playing dirty politics.  Over and over he (or his staff) uses words like baseless, unfounded, no wrong doing and dirty politics. 

So, why are the media and Cain the only ones talking?  Because the two women involved are trapped under GAG orders.  Yup, for anyone who doesn’t know what that is…it means that if they talk about it…EVER…they are in violation of the order.  That means they (Herman Cain or the Restaurant Association) can sue them for violation of the order.  These women are stuck, unable to tell their side, and he (Cain) gets to say anything he wants.

Hey, maybe he didn’t do anything.  Maybe these women were just out for money.  However, any one of us who has ever been through a sexual harrassment investigation will tell you, it is a lousy way to make money.  The latest from Politico is the one woman received 45,000 and another 35,000.  Hmmmm…that doesn’t sound like baseless to me?  That sounds like a firm plea of “no-contest” and if we give you a nice little chunk you probably won’t take us to court and win a really big chunk while dragging our names through the mud.

Regardless of what happened…I am disgusted by the blatant Misogyny that I am hearing out there!  What ever happened to hearing both sides of the story?  Why bother when we all know that those scheming, cheating, dirty, lying little women can just make up stories and get money!!  Hmmmm – Misgyny – the hatred, dislike or mistrust of women.

Wow!  Talk about a text book definition in play.

To the Women who made the accusations:  Stay strong, sisters!  If everything is as it seems to be – the truth will come out in time.  I got your back and you are in my prayers.

To the Media – if this were a court of law…both sides would get to speak and information would be entered into evidence.  Before you talk about baseless accusations it would be best if you had all of the information.  Had this been a criminal offense, the settlement would have indicated a plea of “no-contest.”  That has to count for a reason to stop and wait for all the information!!

To Mr. Cain – if you did this, just be honest!  I’m so tired of politics as usual!!!!  Let’s face it, you (or the organization) essentially pleaded “no contest” to these women’s accusations and no amount of shuffling and side stepping is going to change that.  Personally, I hope their evidence is overwhelming, and that you actually have to eat your words.

Yup – it is “woman hating” as usual out there folks.  I look forward to the day that someone puts an end to it.

Joan

Anniversary

Hello, Friends,

Another year has come and gone again.  Halloween represents the Anniversary of my last day in a military uniform.  It is funny how one of your favorite days of the year can suddenly become the saddest.

To quote Forrest Gump…”And that is all I have to say about that.”

Joan

Still Alive

Hey, Friends.

Great news…Brigid and I are still alive!  I know that is hard to believe since you haven’t heard from either of us for a while.

As most of you know, Brigid was incredibly ill back in Jan and Feb and she is still struggling with the after effects of blood clots in her lungs.  I have been crazy busy with two teenagers who are driving me quickly insane.  My 16 year old has spent his summer in a drug/alcohol rehab facility and my 14 year old got herself wrapped up with some of his friends.  My son will be released this week – and so far – my daughter seems to be doing better.

That is all I have been able to think about.  I know that I can’t blame myself for their choices, but I can’t help but feel that their mistakes are my fault.  You want your kids to have a better life than you do…you did…but there are some things that you just can’t change…as much as I would like to.  Some of those things I don’t feel okay talking about here – even though it is anonmymous.

Brigid is STILL waiting on VBA to rate her claim.  It seems like the more Washington D. C. says…”We are speeding things up!” The more they slooowwww doowwwn.  Her comp and pen was in April.  Hell, I guess if it impacted their lives they would speed up – but since we Veterans are just some random people who are sucking on the system – it doesn’t matter much anyway.

I feel the words of an old Army buddy coming back to me – “It don’t mean nothing.”  I know – I just keep reminding myself.  None of it really means anything.  It doesn’t change anything.  You can’t wrap yourself in a VA rating or in a compensation payment when you can’t sleep.  It doesn’t change the fact that people look at you and say – “Why do you have a disability rating?” 

Anyway, we are still alive.  We will get back to the blog very soon.  In fact, I need to start writing again regular – but life has gotten in the way.  One nice thing about being so busy…you don’t have any time to think.

Besides – it don’t mean nothing, anyway.

Peace,

Joan

Smothered

I haven’t felt up to writing much lately although there has been a lot to write about.   I have found myself in a depressive state.  I don’t want to do much beside lie on the couch and vegetate.  That is not conducive to any of the things that I need to accomplish – it just is.

I’ve had a lot on my plate.  My middle son, 16, is dealing with depression and I have tried to have him committed for suicidal ideation…but no one believes a mother.  He is on medication now, but it isn’t getting much better.  I just keep praying for him, talking to him, hoping for the best.  However, that stress has triggered my depression – and I feel like I am not doing a bit of good.

While I was so busy dealing with the middle son – I apparently missed signs that my 14 year old daughter was lying to me…like a rug…about a boyfriend.  The Bible says that the sins of the father are passed from generation to generation…I can’t help but wonder if that includes the sins of the mother.  My daughter made a choice that has left me reeling with more questions than I have answers.  In fact, I have no answers for her.  I am trying to decide whether or not to put her on birth control.  Of course, she isn’t with the guy anymore.  He was exactly what I told her he was…a “cherry picker” he gets what he wants and moves on to the next little girl.  I have reminder her that God forgives her…that I forgive her…that mistakes and bad choices happen.  I just don’t know if I can ever forgive myself.  I know that I should not take on the responsibility for her choice, but I can’t help myself.  I wanted to die…

Speaking of death – I had a friend complete suicide recently.  I began having nightmares again soon after her death.  I know her pain.  I can’t say we were close friends – more like temporary co-workers who recognized the uniqueness of one another.  I don’t even remember if I ever told her I was a survivor.  I don’t remember if she ever told me she was a survivor.  I think I just knew that something was different. 

I met with my therapist earlier this month.  We aren’t seeing one another on a regular basis – I just drop in when I need to.  I really like and trust her but to a certain extent it feels like I can’t get anywhere…and I am angry with myself for not getting better.  I feel like I should be making progress.

I had a big presentation at work…sometimes I think that this blog is a good thing – sometimes not.  I presented on MST and sensitive practices in healthcare.  I used “survivor’s voices” to make a couple of points – and people really liked it.  I even spoke about “Joan’s” experiences – like we are two different people.  Joan saw this – Joan needs that.  Detached and Disconnected.  Is it possible to give yourself a case of disassociative identity disorder?  It went well – to all of you who said I could use your stories of healthcare nightmares…your voices are being heard.

The work day is coming to an end.  I have a bunch of stuff I have to do tonight – but I will probably end up spending the evening staring at the TV..into space.  The physical symptoms and depressive symptoms just continue to rear their ugly heads.  I’ve been afraid to be more than 10 feet from a bathroom because of the bowel issues.  I want to sleep – all the time – but I wake up way too early.

I will walk through this time – just like I have walked through before.  It is called being a survivor.  Sooner or later – this will start making sense.

Peace,

Joan

Brigid’s Comp and Pen

Well, friends, yesterday was Brigid’s big day.  It was her comp and pen appointment with  the local VA.  I went with her so she wouldn’t be alone.  I remember how bad it was…being alone.  Not having any idea where you are going in a strange building with strange people. 

Since I work at this VA - I couldn’t go here for my Comp and Pen – so I had to go to that strange building.  I had to sit with strangers and tell them the most shameful and intimate details of my life…my pain…my anguish.  I was afraid that any word taken out of context was THE word “those people” were looking for to call me a liar.  A liar, just like the Army said, so dishonorable.  As everyone knows, the VA believed me, and I was granted a 50 percent rating.

Brigid got to go to my building’s Comp and Pen.  I have heard so many people say very good things about the hospital I work for.  I’ve also heard nightmares!  In fact, I’ve had some of those nightmare days as a patient.  I was so proud of our Comp and Pen people.  They did such a terrific job.  In fact, the Psychiatrist started with the statement – “just so you know, I’ve read all of your records, this is really just a formality, I see you have a diagnosis of PTSD.”  Well, that certainly took the stress right out of Brigid!  It also took away a lot of my stress.  My stress was two-fold.  One, about taking care of Brigid and two, about not being horribly embarrassed by my own VA.

I will let Brigid tell the rest when she is ready.  I do have to say I was really proud of her!  She did a great job!!

Joan