Archive for the ‘Suicide’ Category

Triggers

September 2, 2013

Hi all, Prodigal Brigid here. I feel the need to share something that has happened to me, and set me way, way, way back in my recovery. I thought I was doing really well. Even the review board didn’t want to give me the full 30% I was entitled to for the MST I suffered for over a decade. They said I was too well adjusted. Too well adjusted, but not able to drive 50 miles to see my best friend. Too well adjusted, but I deadbolt my door the second I get home, and check several time throughout the day/night to make sure it is locked. Too well adjusted, that I will not open the door for anybody, period, unless the text or call me and let me know they are coming over and when. Too well adjusted.

I’ve got news for them. I am not well adjusted. I am a blubbering mess, terrified, out of my head. And back in therapy again, and all my meds have increased, some doubled. I am also on Worker’s comp now, and am possibly taking an intermittent leave of absence. Can’t go to the grocery store. Can’t sleep. Can’t make it a day without crying. And why? Triggers.

Here I am trying to help others, and now I am just a big ball of jello. Never thought I would be susceptible to this, but here I am. Once a very strong, brave, indestructible woman, and all the doctors and authority figures just keep on asking me if I am suicidal, or want to do harm to myself. Uh, no, harm was done to me. But the thought started crossing my mind a few days ago.

Long story short, I got molested by a woman at work. I have no idea who she is, I never saw her. And I froze and panicked after she whispered in my ear, to make sure I knew she had done this intentionally. That one single incident has set me back, almost worst than when I was gang raped 25 years ago. I can’t explain it, but this one single stupid incident has me terrified. Is she going to do it again? She would be a fool to do so, because I will harm her if I figure out who she is. Mt therapist says it was a case of bullying. My employer states even if they find her, it will be my word against hers. 

But the biggest surprise through all of this, my employer is paying for all the meds and therapy, to help me get somewhat back to normal. And they actually are being very decent to me. Maybe there is some hope. 

My psychologist is going to test out a new PTSD therapy on me, one she has never done before. It will be long, and painful, but hopefully will help me never to react like this again. In the meantime, I can only pray for strength. 

Please pray for me,

Brigid

 

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A World Without Her

April 25, 2013

It has been two years. Two years since a co-worker, a friend, a fellow veteran took her own life. I don’t think she realized how much this world would suck without her.

I can’t say we were “best buddies” or hung out together or anything like that. It was more of just a “knowing.” You don’t turn around in the office and talk about rape…you just don’t…but you know who the survivors are. You can see it.

I can say that the days she stopped by my office were happy days…happy times. The day she stopped by to say she had been “let go” was a very bad day. It brought back all sorts of horrible memories, feelings about my employer, feelings about the people in the head office. “Someone had it out for me.” That is what she said.

She was funny, she was smart, she was dedicated to fellow Veterans. I often wished I could be more like her. She was so strong! Nothing seemed to get to her – she seemed to have it all under control. She left something behind in my office…a “project” and everytime I look at it…I remember her. She was like a bulldog…once she sank her teeth into solving the problem…she didn’t let go until the job was done.

I miss you – my friend. I wish I had known..I wish you had turned to me..I wish you had turned to anyone. The world is a richer place because you were here – and it is darker now that you are gone.

Please, Please – If you are considering suicide…please…don’t do it. Call someone! Anyone! Don’t take your light from the world!! You never know who will mourn you for the rest of their lives – like I will mourn her.

Peace be with you,

Joan