Hello, Friends –
April is just around the corner and I have multiple events surrounding Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I have a quote on my desk reminding myself that I only have to do the next thing…and maybe have some chocolate.
As April approaches grief and guilt are becoming overwhelming again. In May it will be one year, and I can’t help but wonder if I wasn’t so all fired busy doing events in April if I would have seen what I obviously failed to see. I wonder if I should have been less of an advocate and paid attention to what I didn’t even know was happening. But what is done is done and what is behind me is behind me…and there is no way to fix this. I remind myself that I am not a mind reader, that I always made time for Brigid, that I would leave my house at any given moment and make the drive to her home for the smallest need. That I loved her with a love that stretches beyond death.
I have been dreaming of her, a lot, early in the morning just as I am waking up. It is like she is there and I reach out my hand and just before I can touch her I am awake and she is gone. It was extremely distressing for sometime. I would leave the bedroom immediately and go down to my recliner and just weep. Not just cry – but gut wrenching tears that came from the darkness that is now an empty black hole inside of me. So I was at a store the other day looking for the things I needed to do her memorial T-Shirt for the Clothesline Display and while fishing through the little jewelry parts I found this quote:
“You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.” J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
I think that must be what she is trying to say to me. I hear her voice often, telling me to “knock it off.” Mostly when the feelings of failure or that I must have betrayed her somehow come. Since I found that little quote on a piece of metal (which I bought of course!) she has stopped coming in the early morning.
I am unsure how April will go – except that I have to carry on. I have to move forward and leave the past in the past. If I falter on the journey and everything comes to an end…then all of the risks we took together will be for nothing.
I continue with therapy, although my old therapist retired and I am breaking in a new one. I have had two leave me now…wonder if it is me – LOL. She is nice and I like her. I still spend most of the time in session crying – but that is to be expected I suppose. I think what scares me the most is that I wonder how long I will have to wait to see her again? When the natural course of living becomes dying and I get to join her. I am nearly through the first year of firsts. The first birthdays, the first Christmas, the first St. Patrick’s Day and they say it gets better once you pass the “firsts” – but I don’t know…what about the seconds, or the fifths, or even the 25ths. She was only 45 and I am only a couple of years older. The average lifespan is roughly 70 – so how long must I miss her? At the same time, I know I can’t just go be with her. It doesn’t work that way. I have to stay here. I have a husband, children, and a granddaughter that needs me. I have her granddaughter that needs me. To leave would just be to pass my grief on to others.
So I will stay the course, finish the race, no matter how long it may be. And I will miss her every day. I will hope for those moments between asleep and awake when she smiles at me and when, for a single moment, I can almost touch her. I will mourn…but I will carry on.