The first month on my own

Tomorrow is one month.  A whole month has come and gone and yet I still feel as though this isn’t really real.  I keep waiting for the phone to ring, the Facebook to light up, or a sudden chat window at work.  I keep waiting for her to swing into the office while at another appointment – and yet the phone doesn’t ring, chat windows don’t open, and neither does the office door.

What is grief?  I don’t know anymore.  One minute I am relaxed and having a pretty good day and the next I am awash in whatever this emptiness is.  By emptiness I mean a whole section of “black hole” that doesn’t seem to have anything but deep black.  I see the things she left behind, the work left undone, the granddaughter that will never really know her grandma…and I feel so void that I am nearly motionless with it all.

At the same time, I move forward.  I get up, make coffee, shower, put makeup on and go to work.  I do those activities of daily living that are required…  I push forward when I don’t want to.  I see my therapist, we talk.  I think sometimes that therapy would be better with a six pack of Grape Seagram’s and a pack of cigarettes.

On the one hand I am reminded that I am alive…I did not die that day.  To quote a favorite Rich Mullins song…”the life goes on and so must the song.”  I know that death is not an option for me.  First of all, she would kick my ass at the pearly gates and though she is gone – I’m still a little afraid of her 🙂  Don’t worry – she gets that joke.  Second, I believe that we are all appointed to this life.  It will last as long as it is supposed to last and there just isn’t any logical way out of it…not for me anyway.  Third, someone has to bear the torch.

Speaking of torches – I’m not a big believer in horoscopes – just sometimes glance at them out of interest but not really taking anything to heart.  However, her horoscope last week dropped me where I stood.  “When you pass the torch and it’s still burning, it’s the responsibility of the next person to keep it burning still.  You’ll be a torch passer, so pick your person well.”

On top of all of this, a job has opened up working in Peer Support.  Great timing…right!?  However, it has always been my hope and my dream…so I submitted my application.  Not trying to get my hopes up but also can’t seem to help but feel a little bit of spark.  Maybe now.

I’m still not making sense of this new normal…because there is nothing that feels “normal” right now.  Tomorrow will come and go – and the second month will begin.  Hanging on to faith because there isn’t much else to hold on to right now – faith and a couple of very good friends.

To those of you who read our blog – thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and your prayers.  It has been a blessing.




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