Hello, Friends –
It has been a while since I dropped by – things have been very stressful lately. Last weekend my 16 year old daughter informed me that she is pregnant.
Her and her boyfriend have decided to move in together – so I have an empty nest now – and they are going to keep the baby and raise it. I like her boyfriend, he is a nice kid and I really think he loves her. We have decided to let her go…they might as well learn how to be a couple before they have to learn to be parents.
As much as I am supporting her emotionally, I am screaming on the inside. God forgive me – but I have actually prayed that she would miscarry this child. I am smiling on the outside but my whole world feels like it is exploding!!
The only really bright point right now – beside Brigid – has been my mother. My judgmental mother, the woman who has always made me feel as though I am “not enough” or a disappointment, is actually happy about this baby! She thinks it is “okay” that I have let them move in together.
Mothers and daughter, grandmothers and granddaughters. I don’t know. I am grateful that my mom is taking it well – because I couldn’t cope with the “bad mother” rap. (Not that she has ever called me a bad mother)
I am angry with myself. Angry that I didn’t force her to take birth control or get an implant. Angry that I actually believed her when she said she wasn’t “needing” anything. I am even more angry that she grew up thinking that she wasn’t good enough. I have cleaned out her room today and we live in a house that isn’t fully renovated so we let her write on her walls. Her words are beautiful, she really has a way with them. However, some of them are so sad – not pretty enough, not skinny enough (like 105 lbs is fat!), not talented enough. Sad words about breakups and strong words about surviving. I have talked to her about the words on the wall on many occasions – but I have never been able to get through to her. I wish I was as beautiful as she is.
I have been struggling with my depression. My husband took a bad fall and he has a broken arm – he will be off work for a very long time. I twisted my knee so I spent a week in a brace. We are short staffed at work because one employee can’t seem to get over her own “problems.” I could understand if she really had a reason to be depressed – but for the most part she just plays the victim. She is always playing the victim. (And no, she is not an MST Survivor)
So much of it has become too much. I’m so tired! Yet I can’t seem to get enough sleep. I feel like my brain is racing even when my body is completely still – almost like it is frozen. Like I am paralyzed but my brain is fully functional. It is a miserable feeling.