One for All – All for One

Hello, Friends,

I haven’t had much time lately – I have been working on a really big project!  We are bringing the documentary, The Invisible War, to our Community.  It has been very exciting – but it has also been very scary.  I have had to present to Community Leaders, talk about Rape in the Military and think with my head and not my heart.

It has been empowering in some ways.  Yesterday, I worked up the nerve and walked into an Armed Forces Recruiting Center.  The only guys in the office were Army.  I gave them all of the information and invited them to the event.  “Come in your uniform, after all, you don’t condone this behavior…do you?”  Yeah – they looked like a couple of deer in the headlights of a very large semi-truck!  Funny thing is – they were both out of town that day.  Convienent.

This event has made me question if I could do more if I “came out” as a survivor.  Is the voice of Joan enough?  Do they need to see my real face, know my real name.  I don’t know.  What do I have to lose?

My husband barked at me last night because I was out at an event until almost 10:30.  He said that he understands what I am doing – but he doesn’t exactly get “why.”  He is worried that I am just drudging up old stuff that happened a really long time ago.  He is worried that it will make me sick.

“Why.”  Well, that is a loaded question!  I guess the only real answer is The Three Muskateers motto – All for One and One for All.  If all of this work and all of the strain and all of the feelings to bring this film to my area cause just one person to seek help.  If it can change the life of just one person – then it will be worth it.  All for that One.  Maybe – just maybe – that one becomes two and two becomes four and four becomes eight.  Then we ALL come together to bring change.

It sounds incredibly moral and selfless – but in some ways it is really selfish on my part.  In some ways I guess that I want this to mean something.  I want my life and my experiences to mean something.  Surely, I didn’t live through this for nothing.  If it is all for nothing – then the bastards win.  That is unacceptable.

The Motions – Matthew West

This might hurt, It’s not safe but I know I’ve got to make a change.

I don’t care if I break, at least I’ll be feeling something

Cause just okay’s not enough, help me fight through the nothingness of life…

I don’t want to go through the motions

I don’t want to go one more day,

without your all consuming passion

living inside of me.

I don’t want to spend my whole life asking

What if I had given everything?

Instead of going through the motions.

That song haunts me.  What if I gave everything?  It haunts me because I am not sure that I am strong enough to do that.  I’m not sure that I have the faith it takes.  I’m not sure my heart could handle the rejection and the ridicule. 

What if I gave everything.




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2 Responses to “One for All – All for One”

  1. Myst Says:

    Dear Joan.. what a great post!! First off, big congrats for getting the movie moving along so well there! So far, it’s up to our Vet Center team leader here, and I’ll give her till I get done with summer company in mid Aug before I start being a squeaky wheel.

    As for as
    1. Your husband – I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but for me, being able to ‘do’ something, to speak out all helps me and take some of the pain out of me. I hope this doesn’t make you worse, but better!
    He asked ‘why?’…. well.. maybe cuz there are still young service folk out there being hurt, and if you can prevent that, then it may not have been you. (That’s my way of thinking anyways if I was asked)

    2. Your presentation- Thank you… for having that courage to do something, to follow through with it and educate, even if it does hurt some. Perhaps as you say, that action will help someone else, just like your blog has helped me so much.

    3. Speaking out your truth- Only you will know if it’s worth the risk hon. There is bound to be some blow back from it. On the other hand, I expect you’ve been doing what you do for a while now, and they didn’t know and it never affected your work. Only you can find the answer to it. Like the post I did last nite… I commented on a relevant story and got accused of milking the VA on a lie. *sigh*
    Can I stay quiet and just read and not participate.. sure.. but what happens when I do nothing? It all builds up and the rage gets overwhelming, and then the dis-ease cuts in and I start feeling sick. So even if I do get accused of something like that, I feel better for having spoken out. But that’s ME and where I am.

    All that you do, in whatever capacity, is pretty amazing Joan, so just go with what you feel best about! Don’t add more stress to yourself if it won’t accomplish anything for you!!! I use my blog for blasting back at them numb-nuts and that helps. Just knowing YOU are out there helps!

    Big hugs.. and lots of moral support,

  2. enemyinthewire Says:

    Hi, Myst! Sorry I haven’t been able to post on your blog lately – for some reason it keeps fighting me. I do read it regularly and it is truly stunning – you are an awesome voice!! I read your post on “milking the VA” and it was so powerful – and that other person was so wrong! That is always the risk of jumping out there, we risk being re-victimized by the words of others. All we can do, most days, is know the truth in our own hearts and realize that someone out there is finding hope in what we say. They may not have the courage to come forward – but they are out there. All for One and One for All.

    Thank you so much for your warm words. As you know – more often than not this blog is just a rant of late. Sometimes I go back and read the posts and think – “holy cow – someone needs to get this chick some help!!” That is why I am so grateful to Jay that he got me blogging – it allows me to shoot all of it into space. Some days – it just goes into the void and sometimes…

    It leads us to special people…JUST LIKE YOU!

    Peace and Love


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