The Abyss


Hello Friends!

I love words…I always have.  To me, they are tangible, they have a texture and they have a feel.  I also love the way that one word can have two meanings.  As you know, we have recently jumped into the world of Facebook.  Unlike this blog, Facebook requires you to be “you.”  You aren’t supposed to have a fake identity.  I finally figured out a way to use an Avatar on Facebook – not to be malicious – but to be anonymous.  The majority of my real Facebook friends have no idea about my history of Military Sexual Trauma and I really don’t want them to.

The internet to me is a lot like an Abyss.  It is a deep and immeasurable place with no beginning and no end.  You can send your messages out but there is no guarentee that anyone will hear them.  When I first started this blog it was for me, and for Brigid, to do something we both enjoy…writing.  It was a form of therapy for me to say everything I ever wanted to say but without any of the consequences for my words.  I’m not a mean person and I don’t generally say nasty things to people…but what I am good at is failing to filter!  I just don’t do it very well!  In the rare instance when I voice my opinion in public on these matters it is usually met with a stony or uncomfortable silence.  Why can’t people just speak openly and honestly about this subject?  Even in my workplace there is often a “cactus in my shorts” type of response to things we should be talking about.  I don’t think it is intentional by any stretch of the imagination.  However, sometimes people’s “deer in the headlights” look and their abrupt silence compounds the shame that I already feel.

Some of my confusion and shame has given way to a deep need to be an Advocate.  If you read back in the blog you will see that I did a special training for my employer on Military Sexual Trauma and providing really good Sensitive Practice.  Thanks to the kindness of some friends I was able to include the voices of survivors and our nightmare experiences in healthcare.  I was able to bring suggestions and needs directly to the people who need to hear it the most – because they are the ones that can implement this.  The training was a success!  In fact, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I will be giving the same training again.  I’m totally pumped!

Abyss is one of those words that has two meanings, as I mentioned earlier.  Besides being an immeasurable place it is also used to describe something that is unfathomable.  Something that is difficult to wrap your head around.  Many of us who are MST survivors have lived in an Abyss.  We have been surrounded by the Abyss and it has lived inside of us.  There has been more than once when everything inside of me felt like a dark and empty hole with no light.

One day, I found a blog written by Jay.  He is linked on our page.  I made contact with him and he planted a seed.  He encouraged me to let the words that I love so much roll off of my fingers.  What he primarily did was to shine a flashlight into the Abyss.  That little light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

That is why I am pushing this farther into the Abyss.  I still like my privacy…but I want to hold a flashlight for someone else.  Those of us who have survived and have begun to heal have a story to tell.  More than a story – we have a legacy – and it is up to us to lead others out of the Abyss. 

Blessings and Peace,

Joan

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