Smothered


I haven’t felt up to writing much lately although there has been a lot to write about.   I have found myself in a depressive state.  I don’t want to do much beside lie on the couch and vegetate.  That is not conducive to any of the things that I need to accomplish – it just is.

I’ve had a lot on my plate.  My middle son, 16, is dealing with depression and I have tried to have him committed for suicidal ideation…but no one believes a mother.  He is on medication now, but it isn’t getting much better.  I just keep praying for him, talking to him, hoping for the best.  However, that stress has triggered my depression – and I feel like I am not doing a bit of good.

While I was so busy dealing with the middle son – I apparently missed signs that my 14 year old daughter was lying to me…like a rug…about a boyfriend.  The Bible says that the sins of the father are passed from generation to generation…I can’t help but wonder if that includes the sins of the mother.  My daughter made a choice that has left me reeling with more questions than I have answers.  In fact, I have no answers for her.  I am trying to decide whether or not to put her on birth control.  Of course, she isn’t with the guy anymore.  He was exactly what I told her he was…a “cherry picker” he gets what he wants and moves on to the next little girl.  I have reminder her that God forgives her…that I forgive her…that mistakes and bad choices happen.  I just don’t know if I can ever forgive myself.  I know that I should not take on the responsibility for her choice, but I can’t help myself.  I wanted to die…

Speaking of death – I had a friend complete suicide recently.  I began having nightmares again soon after her death.  I know her pain.  I can’t say we were close friends – more like temporary co-workers who recognized the uniqueness of one another.  I don’t even remember if I ever told her I was a survivor.  I don’t remember if she ever told me she was a survivor.  I think I just knew that something was different. 

I met with my therapist earlier this month.  We aren’t seeing one another on a regular basis – I just drop in when I need to.  I really like and trust her but to a certain extent it feels like I can’t get anywhere…and I am angry with myself for not getting better.  I feel like I should be making progress.

I had a big presentation at work…sometimes I think that this blog is a good thing – sometimes not.  I presented on MST and sensitive practices in healthcare.  I used “survivor’s voices” to make a couple of points – and people really liked it.  I even spoke about “Joan’s” experiences – like we are two different people.  Joan saw this – Joan needs that.  Detached and Disconnected.  Is it possible to give yourself a case of disassociative identity disorder?  It went well – to all of you who said I could use your stories of healthcare nightmares…your voices are being heard.

The work day is coming to an end.  I have a bunch of stuff I have to do tonight – but I will probably end up spending the evening staring at the TV..into space.  The physical symptoms and depressive symptoms just continue to rear their ugly heads.  I’ve been afraid to be more than 10 feet from a bathroom because of the bowel issues.  I want to sleep – all the time – but I wake up way too early.

I will walk through this time – just like I have walked through before.  It is called being a survivor.  Sooner or later – this will start making sense.

Peace,

Joan

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