Telling the Truth


Hello, everyone. I’m sorry that I have been away for a while.  My mother had her right knee replaced this past week.  I’ve got a son dealing with a drug problem and I just haven’t been up to dealing with anything!

I spent a couple of days in the hospital with my mom, she likes me being there, it makes her feel like she has her own private nurse.  My mother  likes telling people that I am a doctor, which I am not!  Then she usually follows that up with, “But I always wanted you to be.”  Gee, thanks Mom.

My dad on the other hand is something.  He likes to tell people that I retired from the Army…which I didn’t.  I served 16 1/2 years, 10 in the National Guard, 6 1/2 on Active duty.  I don’t know how to respond to him.  I reminded him that I only served 16 years and then he says, “But you go your retirement…right.”

“Sure, Daddy, that’s right…I got my retirement.”  That’s a lie…I am received compensation for sexual assualt and PTSD and the physical complications I live with.

I’m ashamed.  And I hate being ashamed because I didn’t do anything wrong!  How do I tell my father the truth?  I don’t.  I just live with it.  I let him believe whatever it is that he wants to believe.  It’s better that he believe that I left with honor rather than how I actually left.  Kicked out…discharged as quickly and quietly as possible…labeled a troublemaker.

I love my Daddy.  I love him so much and most of my life I have spent doing everything I can to make him proud.  I love my mother, too – but it isn’t the same.  I’m still very much my Daddy’s little girl. 

I can never let him find out what really happened.  I couldn’t take it.  I just couldn’t deal witht he shame.  I already live with plenty of that…I don’t need to see it from my family, too.

Joan

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