I Loathe the Mall


I am ready for the holidays to be over.  I’m ready to just crawl back into bed and wake up on Jan 2nd.  No responsibilities.  Because that is all I am seeing right now…responsibilities – most of which I have no time to complete.

I am preparing two holiday meals – practically back to back.  One for my husband’s familiy and one for my family.  I still don’t have my family nailed down to a specific time yet.  I am working around my husband’s family – as is usually the case.  I feel bad, like I am excluding my side, but holidays are compromise…if nothing else.

We went to the mall on Saturday.  I really didn’t want to have to go there at all.  I don’t mind too much in the middle of a day when things are quiet – but when the mall is full of people I get really edgy really fast.  However, we had to go because my husband broke a guys large mug at work and he wanted to replace it.  We went to 6 different stores looking for this stupid thing…and that included a trip to the mall.

The mall on the busiest shopping day of the year.  People all crushed together like cattle on cars.  My husband, who can go from zero to bitch in 1.4 seconds, was in a real “good” mood.  Actually, he almost set a new record to going to grumpy.  All the while trying to keep my wits about myself – the overwhelming desire to simply crawl out of my skin and fly away.

My middle son is driving me insane.  I put him in therapy a couple of weeks ago – he has been self-medicating with marijuana and anything he (or his friends) find in a family members medicine chest.  Apparently, he has also been using alcohol.  I am so disturbed by this I can barely talk about it.  He has been telling me he was doing great, not using, and then he came home Sunday night stoned out of his mind.  I’m at a loss.  He is depressed – I know this because I was used to seeing it in his father.  I get depressed, too – but my depression stems from a different place besides a chemical imbalance.  He rotates between angry and sad and I never know which one I am going to find next.  It is very frightening – because my middle son is really the most like me in personality.  He is funny and sarcastic at times but with a very developed sense of humor and irony.  I don’t want to see him ruin his life.  I really hate it when people tell me, all kids do this, because not all kids do this.  I didn’t do it.  I know several other perfectly normal adults who never “did this.”

Right now work is a major issue.  I have just found out that they are moving three of the teams that I work with up to the main hospital and transferring three new teams into the office.  I hate it when they do stuff like this – because there is very little real reasoning behind it.  Someone gets a wild hair and away they go.  I decided to apply for a different position.  It’s not really something that I want to do – but it will be more pay and I have a pretty good shot at the job.  Still with the VA but away from patient care.  I’m not sure what I would do without my patients being here everyday – getting to see them regularly.  I don’t hate change – I’m pretty good at handling it – but that doesn’t mean that I like to seek it out.

Such is life.  I just keep leaning forward so that my body is forced to take another step.  I’m just really tired of all of it.  One of these years when my kids are grown I am just going to take what money I can and I am going to spend the holidays working at church or a homeless shelter or something.  I just want the holidays to stop being all about gifts and dinners and housework.  I want the opportunity just to sit in church and feel and breathe.  Not to think of everything else that someone needs – but to take the time to get to see to the needs of someone – real needs…not cameras and class rings.

May the blessings of the season be with each one of you.  May you find true peace.

Blessings,

Joan

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