Taking a Step Back


We have finally come to the conclusion of the Ranger Wags Statement, which as I stated before, is the most painful of all I had to tell. I still have several more posts to write regarding this, my conversation records and such. But right now I wanted to take a step back and explain a few things.

First, why is this the most painful? Well, because Wags was my direct supervisor, someone I should have been able to trust. Also, he knew that night in February when he forced me to go out with him, that I had been raped just a few months prior. He caused me to help him commit adultery. He wasn’t a stranger. He was a part of my life for years before, and years after. And he tormented me for years. He became the most powerful man in my unit, and used it dishonorably. And because of him, I lost everything.

When I was raped in Ft Gordon, although I had to see the individuals for months afterwards, I was protected by friends. Those same friends made sure that both of my assailants were punished outside of the law. They took a few tumbles down the cement stairs in the barracks, and were beaten a few times. I don’t advocate that kind of violence, but at least other men who were also privates stood up and said this is NOT OK. And Jose did apologize to me for raping me. Wags never did.

I want to talk about my first sexual experiences. This is not pretty, but I feel the need to put it out there. When I was 10, I was molested 3 times by the 12-year-old boy who lived down the street. His 11-year-old brother and I were boyfriend and girlfriend for years, and he was my sister’s boyfriend for years. My sister went to live with my dad when I was 10, so I was all alone. He molested me twice on my paper route, but I never told, because I was ashamed. But then one day he attacked me in my home, and tried to rape me. Luckily for me, he was only 12, and could not get an erection, so I was saved that time. But I finally told that night, because I wasn’t able to get my house work all done, and my step-dad (the devil himself) was going to beat me within an inch of my life for it. My parents told his parents, and he was beaten withing an inch of his life. That was the end of any contact between our families, and nasty rumors started about me. I was very alienated. A year later, this boy was successful in raping a 7-year-old girl. He broke her jaw with an ashtray, and left her to die in a field, but she didn’t. He was then institutionalized after that and I never saw him again.

Then, when was 12, the 72-year-old man down the street on my paper route, lost his wife. His wife had been blind, and they were the kindest people I had met. The kind of adopted me as their grandchild, and were so nice. So, when his wife died, and he asked my mom if he could take me to church, of course we said yes. After church, we went back to his house, where I was to wait until my mom had finished grocery shopping. I fell asleep while he was reading to me, I was sitting in his lap. I woke up to him kissing me, and molesting me. I got up an ran out of the house, and ran home. I told my mom what had happened, but she said I must have been mistaken. He later showed up and apologized for molesting me, and gave my mom a tape recorder to give me as a consolation prize. We didn’t speak of that again for years, but it really messed me up.

Then, at 14, I had run away from home. I couldn’t take the insane beatings my step-dad gave me anymore (this was my 4th attempt to run away). I wound up being raped, and held at knife point. I reported it, he went to prison, and I was forced to go back home to hell. My parents told me it was my fault it had happened. We also believe that I became pregnant from the rape, and my mom was going to force me to have an abortion, something I am so against. But I miscarried (one of the most physically painful experiences, let me tell you). But 2 weeks to the day after I was raped, my step-dad decided that since I was no longer pure, it was going to be his turn. Luckily he only (like only is good) molested me. I freaked out. He told my mom what he did, she said it was only an accident, and that he was drunk. She made excuses for it, and it took me years, decades and therapy, to forgive her. I left home 2 weeks later for good.

When I was 17, I had my first date. It was with an older man, who was in the National Guard. I thought he was 24, he was actually 28. He asked me out on my last day of my 2nd Summer with the JTPA at the Guard. I spent the entire night literally fighting this man off of me. We didn’t have sex, I was successful if fending him off, but what it did to me mentally…

The I finally got my first boyfriend on New Years Day my senior year in high school. By April he dumped me. Why? Because I just could not have sex with him, and that is what he wanted. There went my prom date and all. But I just could not get over my fear of sex, could you? So, I took my prom dress back, because nobody in my huge high school wanted to take me to prom. Then I had my first drill weekend, and wound up with 2 prom dates. Prom night I decided it was time to have sex, so we did. It lasted 30 seconds, seriously, and all I could think of was “Really? What is so great about this?” I didn’t enjoy it at all, but at least it was over quickly. Then he cheated on my 3 times the next week.

So, there was already a long history of abuse before I was ever raped in Ft Gordon, which really tainted my whole outlook on sex. By the time Wags got to me, I felt pretty much destroyed. After I was raped in Ft Gordon, I turned into a total slut for a while. I figured it was better to give it up, than to have it forcibly taken from me. I have found that is one of the natural responses to sexual abuse. Most people who are raped either cut out sex completely for a while (as I did before Prom), or become very loose with it, as I did after Ft Gordon.

This is what I live with every day. No amount of therapy will take those abuses or memories away. But at least now I know that it was not my fault. And I stood up for myself almost every single time, and told. I am still standing up for myself. Doesn’t make relationships or trusting people easy at all, but I am trying.

Brigid

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One Response to “Taking a Step Back”

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