I missed work yesterday.  All of my PTSD symptoms came raging in – migraine, abdominal pain, nausea, bowel issues, nightmares/nap mares, pain over my entire body and the ever present chest pounding.  This morning, I am in “hangover” mode, that horrible after feeling where everything is still happening but you know you have to go to work.  Have to.

I’m having my “rat in a cage” feeling.  It is a big cage – but it is a feeling that I am trapped and can’ get free.  Like my own skin is my prison and I can’t crawl out…no matter how much I claw at the flesh.

You know what triggered this?  I can’t get my freaking primary care doctor to write me a simple note so that my husband can accompany me to my cystoscopy appointment so that I can have sedation.  My VA Primary Care MD won’t sign the damn letter.  She’s not sure I need sedation.  She’s not sure why my husband needs a note.  She’s not sure WHY I am freaking out about this.

It is very simple – in reality.  Anytime a person undergoes sedation you need a driver and you need to be “watched.”  It is for the patient’s safety. 

So I called the patient advocate Tuesday.  Called him back Wednesday.  Haven’t heard anything.  Don’t have the note, yet.  Funniest thing is that the note is written – the nurse showed it to me at 0725 on Monday morning.  Anybody note that this is Thursday?

So, now I gotta change Primary Care Providers.  Female Vet – Employee…can’t be seen in the Women’s Clinic because the doctor triggers my symptoms.  I can’t ever trust her again.  I have to work with her.  Every friggin day I have to work with her.  I have to ask the Female Nurse Practitioner in my office if she will take me on as a patient.  If she won’t then I have to go over to the Main Hospital – sit in a waiting room full of male patients.  The question then becomes, “You work with male patients all day – why does sitting with them bother you?” 

There is a distinct difference between being patient and being staff.  I am no longer in “control” when I move to patient mode.  It sounds silly – but it is true.

The reason that the Women’s Clinic is in an outpatient/off-site setting is so that we don’t have to sit around a waiting room with a ton of men and listen to them and watch them watch us.  I can tell you that from the comments that I endure everyday as staff that they can be twice as bad to female patients.

I’m right back where I started.  I have to complain about a person higher than myself – which means that I will risk my job and my position.  I’m sure that is not really true – but YOU tell that to my PTSD.

It is not supposed to be this way.  All I need is a simple note.  If my “doctor” at the VA is triggering my PTSD all over a very simple signature on a very simple note…then what hope does that give me for anything else.



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2 Responses to “Triggered”

  1. jayherron Says:

    I know!!!

  2. enemyinthewire Says:


    Funny how that simple statement, “I know!!!” means so much. It is so true. I may be sucking big time right now…but I’m not alone. I just hate to see anyone else go through it.


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