Flashbacks to the Max


Hi, its Brigid again.

As I have been transcribing one of my sworn statements for you and the world to see, I have to take some time to tell you what is going on in my head. I have to take a break after each paragraph. It really hurts me to write it, and relive it. I feel like it is happening all over again. I have to shake myself back into reality, but that takes several minutes after each time I stop writing. I feel angry, and threatened, just in re-typing the statement that I made 18 years ago.

I need to mention that this was the easiest of the stuff I have to post for you. Seriously. That is pretty pathetic if you ask me. But this statement regarding my first 1SG is less painful than the other things I have coming. And if it is doing this to me now, I have no idea how I can write the others for you. But if any of this helps even one person, then I will try, much as it pains me.

Joan has told me to walk away from it, that I don’t need to read through all my documentation in order to proceed with my Comp & Pen, but I feel I need to. I also feel that if any of our words are helping anyone who reads it, then at least I am doing good. Joan told me many times that this blog is for us, to help us deal with what we have been through, so I am using it right now for that purpose.  I also feel very strongly that if someone doesn’t like what I am writing, and is offended by it, then they are more than invited to not read another word on this blog. I sincerely hope that is not the case, and that many are finding comfort in our words.

So, what can I say? I can tell you that it is making my heart literally hurt by writing this sworn statement for you, stabbing pain. It is my anxiety kicking in, and panic attacks. All from something that happened almost 20 years ago. It makes me not want to write another word. It makes me feel like a freak each time I come out of my cloud, to realize that I am safe, and that was so long ago. Joan and my therapist have both said that what I am experiencing are flashbacks. I think they are right. I really feel as if I am 22 again, and have the same sick feeling in my stomach, and the accelerated heart rate and fear. I am really lost, and don’t know how to deal with it. It scares me that I may not come back to the here and now one of these times.

I have had flashbacks in the past, but this time it is different. It is so much worse, and real, and it really frightens me this time. But no matter what, I am going to keep on trying to write this down again. Much as it sends me into my depressions and panic attacks. I feel that I need to do this for me, so that when the time comes for my Comp & Pen, I will be ready. So, if you can bear with me through this, there is so much more to come.

Praying for a restful heart,

Brigid

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