Not Accepting Shame

Hey, Friends!

I admit I am still trying to process all that my 50% means.  I found out from a couple of friends that I can go back to school.  One of my greatest dreams is to teach history at the High School level.  How sad is that?  I guess I don’t dream much 😉

I’ve also found that I am feeling a bit ashamed of myself for being given 50%.  I’m not saying that I wasn’t truthful or that I made things up…because everything I said is absolutely true.  I will gladly swear to it on a stack of Bibles and my Father’s soul!  (swearing on my “father’s soul” is code between Brigid and I…it means we are telling the truth 110%)

However, I work…everyday.  I am constantly involved in veteran’s issues in my community.  I attend church and I am involved there.  I take care of my kids.  I shower, brush my teeth and change my clothes every day.  I feel lucky in many ways and in some ways I feel like I was just given something I didn’t earn.

I was actually told to expect this.  These feelings of shame and of being “undeserving.”  To tell you the truth, I am half expecting this is some sort of sick friggin joke and I will get a second letter in the mail that says…”Yeah…April Fools you big f**ing loser!  Lying little b***ch.  Get over it.”  Probably because I have heard those things before. 

Funny, isn’t it…how many of us have to fight those feeling of “I did something to deserve this.”  Not the compensation…just the Clarences and the Jerks and the Ranger Wags of this world.  Somehow I “invited” Clarence to put me up against his desk everyday and hump me like a dog.  Somehow I “deserved” the beating that I took – maybe I wasn’t a very good SGT?  If I had been smarter I would have made my first husband “love” me and not include guns in the bedroom like normal people incorporate a sex toy.  If I had been wiser I could have made someone listen when I “screamed” for help.  I should have fought harder – screamed louder – gone farther.

Yeah – my therapist gets on me pretty hard when I say the crap that I just said.  She’s right, too…I know she is right. 

Bottom line is that somewhere in Washington DC someone knows how much “taxpayer” money is being paid out to the survivors.  How much is it?  How many of us are receiving the benefits we deserve to receive?  Anybody know?  Things will never change unless we keep filing our paperwork.  Maybe it won’t change in our lifetime.  Maybe it will.

I gave everything I had to serve my country…including my sanity.  A part of me “died” serving my country.  This is something I earned…I just wish it was something that I could say I earned with “honor” instead of on my knees and on my back like some sort of whore.

Sorry – those aren’t nice things to say.  However, I made a deal with myself to put out in cyberspace my exact feelings and thoughts.  I know these feelings will get better. 



One Response to “Not Accepting Shame”

  1. enemyinthewire Says:

    Dear Joan,
    My thoughts about the taxpayers exactly. Why should innocent people be forced to pay for all the bad soldiers in the world? If you were raped by a civilian, then you could sue him for damages, then he would have to pay. But again, they got off scott free. Yes, it is a victory of sorts, getting the 50%, and you are more than entitled to it. But the men that did this to you should have to shoulder the full burden. Not everyone else in this country. We need to make the bad seeds in the military start being accountable. Only then will this stop.

    Love ya!

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