All the Lonely People

Hey, Friends.

Why do we hide ourselves from one another?  Have you ever struck up casual conversations with people only to discover that they are another hurting soul?

This has happened to me a lot in the last few days – mostly at work.  I sometimes wonder why we lash out at each other instead of being willing to be a friend?

Lonely people.  Silent wounded – if I may borrow a brothers  label for what we are.    What scars we carry?  Our voices whisper and are lost in the noise. 

I work with someone and this person has serious problems with me.  I don’t know why but we just don’t get along.  It is hard on me – it is hard on the enviroment I work in.  I’ve been here before.  I’ve had someone hold a grudge against me.  Of course, that grudge was because I had breasts, but it still triggers the same old fears.  Can I have this job taken from me too?  I try to be really nice to this person…but it just makes matters worse.  Can’t we just play nice in the sandbox?

Can’t move forward – certainly don’t want to go back.  Stuck.  I’m not getting far in therapy – I’m trying – but I feel like I am moving backwards.

This week I am supposed to think of the “physical” aspects of the Jerk incident.  (reference No Witnesses)  I’m not getting very far.  I feel the ground beneath my legs.  I see leaves, I see boots, I smell decay.  That sweet smell of dying leaves.  I feel the courseness of my uniform, the raw cotton of the sling I am wearing on my shoulder.  I see green canvas tent.  I feel the weight of the stick banging against my helmet.  It vibrates my helmet, it rattles my head.  I remember thinking…”I sure am glad I left my helmet on.”  The course bark of the stick strikes my shoulder.  It hurts…it hurts.  My shoulder is already injured.  Why would he do this?  Where in the rules is this allowed?  When will this end.  My helmet rattles again…my teeth rattle with it.  The stick strikes.  He strikes.  My shoulder – pull it in tighter to me…hold it close…reduce the pain.  The stick strikes.  I want to die there on the ground…die of the humilitation and the pain.  I want to go home.  I want to run and not come back.  No safety – no where to go.

“Stop – you are hurting her.”  A hand grabs Jerk’s hand.  It is a friend.  He is putting an end to it.  It’s over…I don’t remember.  What memory lies beneath that…what can’t I find?

All the lonely people.  With others every day…chatting, laughing, happy, sometimes just faking it.  Making people laugh.  I love to make people laugh – laughter is warm and rich and alive.  Happy people – lonely people.  Broken people.  Silently wounded – no one that really understands my experience.  Just a few…a few who live in the same nightmare.  Hiding people.  Frightened people.  People of courage who don’t get medals to show for it.  Lonely people.  People reaching out for one another.




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5 Responses to “All the Lonely People”

  1. enemyinthewire Says:

    A note for Brigid…Don’t worry – I’m okay. Not thinking “bad” thoughts. Just crazy random thoughts. Okay – not crazy – just “unwell.”

    Love you! Joan

    (for everyone else…I post without re-reading or editing. It is better for me – feeling are more raw. However, this one sounds scary in places. I’m here for the long haul though…just wanted to let everyone know.)

  2. jayherron Says:

    Both of you are becoming mid-wives,keepers of a well watered garden.
    Now you have begun an important thing-this garden,your blog,you will soon be found by others-yes,the Silent Wounded…like yourselves-like us-looking for others and looking for justice! Your words-these journals of your attacks and the lives you live will support others to stand up too.
    Thank You

  3. JOAN HEALY RN (usa) Says:

    I’m not sure how to intrepret this entirely. However I understand about the loneliness and what it can do to a person. One thing I had to gerow tois contentment mos tof the time, being alone. Mediatation helps. Also I go outdoors and enjoy the beauties of nature. I m an introvert by natulre and this helps. BUT I too need people. In fance I am organizaing a group to meet at my house on a regualr basis to improve on friendships., with the stipulation that politics& reliigion be left at the doorstep. thinking of you across the miles.

  4. enemyinthewire Says:

    Thanks Joan H. for commenting. You just happened to catch one of my rambling posts. Sometimes I “borrow” my blog to help me with my therapy. I simply sit down and start writing in the moment without direction or a specific point I want to make. I have considered removing these kinds of posts and then I realized that the intensity of the raw emotions is important. Not just important to me..but important to others who might find this blog and need assistance. Most people don’t type “Rape in the Military” into their search engines without a really good reason.

    It is wonderful that you are reaching out and helping others! That is a great thing to be doing. We all need our own special shoulders to cry on and sometimes as a “survivor” those are hard to find, even among family and friends.



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