Monica’s Closet


Morning, Friends!

For anyone who has ever seen the show Friends, you know that Monica is a type A person with a serious “clean freak” issue.  I remember very clearly one episode where she has a closet that she doesn’t want anyone to look in.  She keeps it locked.  Chandler and Joey finally break into the closet and discover that it is a major mess.

Sometimes I think my brain is a lot like Monica’s Closet.  Most things are filed very neatly in little boxes.  Inside those boxes everything is folded up nice and neat.  Even the boxes with the horrible memories are neatly filed and aligned.  Then there are the boxes at the back of the closet.  When those boxes get opened everything comes tumbling out of them. 

My therapist and I are working on the box labeled Jerk.  I am spending time each night talking through those events…trying to find the emotions and the memories that go with them.  This week has been the week from hell!

I’m still suffering from horrible abdominal pain and I am not sleeping.  My husband hates it when I take my Ambien, he is worried about me becoming a “druggie.”  However, if I don’t sleep, I don’t function.  Even with the Ambien I am tossing and turning, having dreams that I can’t remember clearly in the morning.  I know that this means that I am probably trying to remember the days that I am missing, but it still hurts like hell!

Add on to that the fact that I am on the count down to finding out what the Veterans Benefits Administration is going to say.  Part of me is hopeful that they will say, “Yes, this happened and it was wrong!”  Unfortuantely, there is that part of me that is saying…you’ve been screwed before so don’t think that this time will be any different.

Many of us survivors say that it is not about the money…and it isn’t, not really.  However, if you allow a situation to continue the only way to really stop that situation is to start hitting people in the pocketbook.  Let’s say you make candy bars and those candy bars are very bad.  They cause life long problems for the person eating the candy bars.  Still, you make lots of money off those candy bars and people think they are great.  You are going to do everything you can to keep the problems quiet.  Only when someone in authority says, “Those things are bad and they are hurting people – now you have to give money to those people to make it right.”  After you start paying out that money will you start realizing that what you are doing is wrong.  Sometimes, money is the only thing that some people understand.  If the Federal Government has to start paying for those of us damaged by a few people bent on destruction maybe they will start paying attention.  In this sense…maybe it is about money.  They, the Federal Government, don’t give a flying rat’s ass about those of us who are living with the after effects of some bent on destruction, but they just might care about their pocketbooks.  After all, it is money that belongs to the American people, and no one likes paying for someone else’s mistakes.

For now I will keep trying to clean out those boxes in the back of the closet.  I’m supposed to be accessing the emotions of the event but I’m not hitting on them.  I don’t know if it is the repetition of saying it over and over again or if it is my brain trying to protect everything else in the closet. 

I feel nothing but a cold and empty void staring at a box of full of tangled memories spread out everywhere.

Blessings,

Joan

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2 Responses to “Monica’s Closet”

  1. jayherron Says:

    …remember-I lived 35 years in silence before I ever approached the VA for disabilty due to MST related PTSD.
    No witnesses from the actual attack-but witnesses that knew me before and after were used as lay witnesses.
    35 years-and I proved my injury happened under the responsability of the Navy.
    Once my silence was broken-the story had to finally come out some day,I promised I would never end until the final word was spoken…like “NO”! But I beat back at those who attacked me-and the V judge heard me-even acknowledged he had heard similar tragic story’s.
    Patience-and the standard in hand saying you will not give up-helps! You are fighting something bigger and as challenging (the VA system) as the one who attacked-you are fighting back. You will be okay!
    Do not give up-keep appealing…and:
    Contact an attorney-stay away from the VFW advocates or VSO officers.
    Contact me and I will give you contact info for my attorney,if you wish!
    peace

  2. enemyinthewire Says:

    So far things are going okay in the process, I am lucky to have a great County Vet Advocate who fights FOR Veterans…not for the system.

    I don’t have much evidence regarding Clarence, but I do have medical records from the post that show repeated sick call visits for migraines and chronic lower abdominal pain (both are physical manifestations of MST.)

    As for Jerk…I have a ton of evidence. Including the original EO complaint I filed that was signed by my boss, but my CO refused it. I also have a counseling statment written by MY boss stating that I am working in a “Hostile Work Enviroment.” He was a good NCO and he set me up to file a claim. I also have original transfer requests and other supporting documentation – including notes from my private MD stating that I was suffering from PTSD and stress induced depression. I have letters dated a year apart to Battalion…which they refused, but they show a consistent pattern and they were detailed.

    If it comes to an attorney…I will definately call you. I haven’t tapped the “buddy statement” pool yet…mostly out of shame I think. I figure if I have to go there I will.

    I have been lucky with one of the VSO’s, but that is because I am one of their posts Vice Commanders. When you belong to them in leadership – they have a tendancy to try much harder. They certainly don’t want pissed off officers running around talking bad about them.

    Blessings!

    Joan

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