Another Brick in the Wall


Good morning, Friends.

Here it is…the moment of truth.  I’ve showered, dressed, done my hair and put my face on – such as it is.  Have you ever tried to put on mascara with teary eyes?

I’m breathing.  I have all of my comfort items in my purse.  I have my map.  I’m trying very, very hard to keep this all in a neat little box in the closet in my head.

I have a friend that I work with.  She has stopped by my office regularly this week to let me sort of talk this out and give me words of encouragement.  There are no words to thank her for all that she has done.

Today I will be one of a dozen patients evaluated at any given VA for any given number of issues.  I have notes.  I have a statement because I will be seeing a male psychiatrist today.  They don’t have any female comp and pen psychiatrists where I am going.  I will spend time in a small, closet sized room with a man in a position of authority.  Please, let me say that again…I will be in a small, closet sized room with a man in a position of authority.  If you have read earlier posts you know that I will be very lucky not to be in a corner throwing up.

However, I will have a female nurse with me the whole time and we have actually made a little bit of advance contact with one another via email.  She says that she will be with me the whole time so I won’t have to face this alone.

I’m not taking my husband with me.  I need to do this without thinking about how he will react.  He tries…but he just doesn’t understand and I don’t think he ever will.

Today I am another brick in the wall.  I don’t know if that wall of MST survivors is going to become a wall that is too big for the leaders in this Nation and in our Military to ignore or if it is a wall to trap the survivors behind.  A nice insulated, sound proof wall to hide the “Not so pretty house next door.”   A wall that silences our screams for Justice and Mercy and Understanding.  I was watching a news station this morning and they had an injured Iraq veteran on for an interview.  I’m not minimizing his injuries or his service in anyway.  I just hope for the day when a major news group or a Veterans Organization puts MST survivors on display and the real numbers and the real people get a chance to say…”We are this Nation’s walking wounded!  See what has been done in YOUR name.” 

I can’t help but wonder how this day will play out?  I am trying to think positively.  I am trying to see the “signs.”  I am trying to take the words of friends and therapists to heart and hold them close.  I close my eyes and try to see Father Tom as he is blessing my St. Joan of Arc medal last Saturday night, “May you have the courage of St. Joan.”  He said, “courage,” that is a sign…he didn’t know that what I needed most in the world this week was COURAGE.

Wow, this is a really screwed up, rambling out of my mind, 400 thoughts per second kind of post.  However, I am not going to change it.  I am not going to delete it.  I will leave it as it is in cyber space so that it may one day be insight into the mind of one survivor trying to make sense of what will happen the morning of Comp and Pen.

Blessings to you all.  I will report in on my state of mind, or lack there of, when this day comes to an end.

Joan

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2 Responses to “Another Brick in the Wall”

  1. jayherron Says:

    In SPIRIT you WILL NOT be alone!
    As you are interviewed this morning look around you-see the thousands of the other ‘silent wounded’ that are in that room with you! Feel them reaching out to encourage you-I will be there too!

    I know exactly how you feel-having done this same evaluation last month and like you said-to repeat my story to a stranger who has no more compassion than a dumpster!

    You keep this blog going my Sister-you are going to gain strength thru what you share others…others? the many ‘silent wounded’ who seek solice and healing….
    We ARE there with you this morning!
    Already you are reaching US and there are so many-you are a blessing!
    peace

  2. enemyinthewire Says:

    Thanks, Jay! You are right…none of us are in that room alone. We are each part of the Brothers and Sister that remain the “Silent Wounded.”

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